What the Hell is Happening in McDonald's Recent Hamburglar Promo?

What…what are you even going for here, McDonald’s? Why is any of this happening? Why are you doing this to us?!

McDonald’s recently released a promo featuring the new and…well…just look at it:

If you didn’t watch the video, I hate you, watch the video. It’s 30 seconds long; what kind of ADD-riddled bonobo are you? Fine. So far as it can even be explained, it features Hamburglar 2.0 (“Robble robble, America! Haha!”*) trying to tell us…something. It’s never clearly explained what, because the burglar of hams is repeatedly interrupted by phone calls from his wife asking him to pick up party supplies. I swear to God that’s not a joke, that is the actual commercial.

Look, McDonald’s, I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through right now. You’re clearly working through some stuff, and whatever…this is, it’s your coping mechanism. But I have to think putting your new hipster Hamburglar in front of a green screen and giving him some sort of weird backstory as a suburban dad is not accomplishing whatever it is you’re setting out to do.** Unless your goal is to utterly baffle every human being watching it, in which case, yes, you are absolutely succeeding.

Here’s the sad thing: not only is there an ad agency that got paid for this, but I guarantee you they’re high-fiving right now that people are paying attention to their nonsensical waste of 30 seconds. Advertising people are that one kid in elementary school who takes a dump in the hamster tank and then beams like mad over the fact that everyone suddenly has to pay attention to them.

* Unspoken subtext: “PLEASE KILL ME, MY EXISTENCE IS PAIN.”

* We’re accepting entries for how the sentence “this is why I’m back, 100% real—” was going to end, though. My money is on “squirrel urethras.”