NY Pastor Says Starbucks Is Flavored With Ebola-Riddled Sodomite Semen

That’s a pretty good headline. That’s the sort of headline you can look back on at the end of your career and say “I made a difference.” Do we need to elaborate on that headline? Yes? Alright, here we go.

James David Manning, Pastor of the ATLAH World Missionary Church in Harlem, has claimed…well, he’s claimed a whole lot of full-on bonkers bullshit in his unhinged sermon-rants, but the above is probably the best/worst of it. Last week he said that Starbucks is “ground zero for Ebola,” which was being spread by “upscale sodomites.” This week, he apparently has no idea what satire is:

Citing a satirical news report – which he appeared to take seriously – Manning said: “Starbucks is a place where these types frequent and a lot of body fluids are exchanged there.

“The thing that I was not aware of is that… what Starbucks was doing, is they were taking specimens of male semen, and they were putting it in the blends of their lattes.

“It’s the absolute truth. They’re using male semen, and putting it into the blends of coffees that they sell.

“My suspicion is that they’re getting their semen from sodomites. Semen flavours up the coffee, and makes you thinks you’re having a good time.”

There’s a lot we could talk about here, but I want to focus on that last sentence. I’m going to assume quite a number of people reading this have tasted semen; I’m also going to assume that a only a tiny percentage of those have ever considered using it in place of Splenda. Also, for most people, the entrance of semen into the sexual equation generally means the good times have actually ended.

I had to double-check to make sure this report itself wasn’t satire. Fortunately, there’s video:

Also, major points to whichever writer or editor at Pink News chose their lead image, because that’s fantastic.