Disgusting Desserts That Should Not Exist
In DepthMost human beings love desserts; the whole point of the final course is to be as delicious as possible. But while desserts are usually used as a reward, eating any of these eight catastrophes should constitute cruel and unusual punishment.
Any Jell-O Mold Containing Cream
OH MY GOD, THIS FUCKING THING. That isn’t a dessert, that’s one of Yog-Sothoth’s lesser servants.
Let’s be honest, though: Jell-O + anything = unmitigated horror, and if you don’t believe me, look at this goddamn Pinterest page. That link looks like what would happen if the Pastel Killer was given a high-res camera and a blast chiller. I could honestly do eight entire posts of these just from that one link, although most of the responses would consist of me making “HERRRK GLORK BLERRRF” noises over and over, because at a certain point, you can’t look at that page and retain your higher cognitive functions.
Spotted Dick
For those of you unfamiliar with spotted dick, it’s basically just dried fruit in bread* (most commonly currants), like a fruitcake, only less horrifying. That’s the funny thing about this entry: spotted dick actually tastes pretty good, and it’s a variant of a food type you find in cultures across the globe.
But none of those cultures call their version SPOTTED DICK, for Christ’s sake. This isn’t some goofy translation error/coincidence, this is just England stubbornly refusing to re-brand their shit for the modern age. We renamed prunes “dried plums” just because “prunes” conjured images of old people with constipation issues (you’re welcome). You guys can’t rename your desserts to something that doesn’t sound like a diseased manhammer? You don’t even need to change the “dick” part! Hell, call it fucking “fruited dick” or “currant dick” or “happy, shiny dick pudding”! Then, at least, I could be satisfied with my dessert rather than feeling like I needed a blood test after eating it.
Red Bean Pastry
Why the hell would you ruin a perfectly good pastry with Red Bean? Red Bean tastes like a Crushed Gravel and Disappointment Aspic. Are we 100% sure Red Bean isn’t made from jellied cigarette butts? I mean, it would explain a lot.
S’Mores
I just felt a great disturbance in the bandwidth, as if thousands of readers screamed out “BUT I LOVE S’MORES,” and were suddenly silenced by my complete lack of giving a shit. Oh, awesome, a monstrous mess of gooey, sugary napalm with the most cringe-inducing faux-cutesy name of possibly any food from any culture in history (and that includes Spotted Dick). SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD FUCKING TIME.
Come on; you HAD to know marshmallows were showing up on this list somewhere — frankly, it’s amazing this is the only entry that contains them. Don’t even pretend you’re surprised that I hate s’mores.
Tapioca Pudding
If your mother is serving you tapioca, she’s not doing it out of love. That’s her way of saying “I wish the condom hadn’t broken.” Nothing good has ever come from tapioca — it’s responsible for the unending international nightmare known as Bubble Tea, and that’s only the beginning of its crimes. Tapioca Pudding is like eating a bowl full of sparrow eyeballs in cream sauce. British schoolchildren apparently actually call the stuff “frogspawn,” and if that’s not a mic drop-worthy indictment of it, I don’t know what is.
Screen-Printed Cake
“Hi, I’d like to eat a picture of my loved ones — can you guys make that happen for me? Oh, yeah, I TOTALLY want to feel my sister’s judgmental stare right before I shove a chunk of cake with her face on it down my throat. I think the best way for me to show her I love her during her college graduation is to devour her in effigy, because that is in no way creepy as shit.”
Vinegar Pie
In in the interest of completeness, I’ll put more here than just “this is exactly what you think it is,” although let’s at least be fair and admit that this shit doesn’t really need more of an explanation than that.
Your first thought upon seeing that name might have been, as mine was, “oh, that must just be a name for something that features a tiny splash of vinegar or something.” NOPE. It’s literally a custard pie flavored with vinegar. Somebody (my guess is Josef Mengele) made a pie taste like vinegar on purpose. On the list of “things that should not be used as the star of a pie’s flavor profile,” vinegar has to rank pretty highly, just above spam and just below peat moss.
Vinegar Pie is one of several pies referred to collectively as “Desperation Pies,” and if that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about it, I don’t know what the fuck would. It’s all well and good to be resourceful and make meals out of pig whiskers and mud, but if you’re still doing it after you have free and easy access to literally anything else, there is something seriously wrong with you.
Lobster Ice Cream
No way. This isn’t real food. You can’t be serious. There’s no possible way that it could be — holy shit it’s real.
New England, you have to cool it with this lobster thing; the first step is admitting you have a problem. There are places where lobsters were not meant to swim, and ice cream is pretty much all of them. Jesus, people, stop combining lobster and cream. It never, ever ends well. #FuckLobsterMacandCheese
As always, come at me, haters.
*I’m sure at least one asshole commenter will try to correct me and say it’s not bread, it’s “pudding,” because apparently in England, every fucking food is “pudding,” to which my response is, respectfully, shut the fuck up.
Image via Brent Hofacker/Shutterstock. For more Foods That Should Not Exist, click here, here, here, here, here, and here.