There’s really no way to fit all the batshit stuff in this story into a mere 70-character headline.

Via the Pioneer Press, a woman identified as Laresha Marie Uting of St. Paul, Minnesota got extremely angry after a Taco Bell drive-thru messed up her order. She and two friends, a woman and a man, then came into the restaurant and, to the surprise of no one who has ever worked in food service, were “belligerent and swore at staff.” A 15-year-old regular customer of the store tried to tell these three grown-ass adults to stop, and an argument ensued. The trio then left the restaurant and came back in shortly thereafter, whereupon one of the women (it’s unclear if it was Uting or her friend) threw a chair at the employees behind the counter and the man hit the 15-year-old over the head with a tire iron. They then left again, pausing only to hit another customer with the tire iron as he was getting out of his car and attack him as he lay prone, which had to be the biggest and worst “WTF” moment of that guy’s life.

Uting has now been charged with second-degree riot with a dangerous weapon, a felony. Police were ultimately able to identify her by the car the group used as a getaway vehicle. While there have not yet been other arrests in the case, I’d be shocked if they weren’t forthcoming.

Now, this story isn’t funny. A kid got assaulted for no reason other than he decided to stand up to people whose douchery runs so deep it must be affecting plate tectonics, food service employees had a chair thrown at them, and the poor parking lot guy got the crap kicked out of him for the crime of wanting Taco Bell. But look, this sentence happened, and we can’t not address it:

Her two cohorts, a female identified in the complaint as “BJ” and a male identified as “Guns,” have not been arrested or charged, according to police.

Reading this has forced me to contemplate a question I never thought I’d need to consider: how much meth does someone have to do before they think it’s a good idea to ask friends and family to refer to them as “Guns?”

All the meth, friends. All of it.

Image via AP.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.