Pro-Gun Lunatics Scare the Crap out of Fort Worth Restaurant Staff

So, imagine the following scenario: you’re at work at a fast food place, just trying to get through your shift, like any other day. You spot a whole bunch of guys carrying assault weaponry right in front of the restaurant. What do you do?

For the employees of one Fort Worth, Texas Jack in the Box, the answer was “hide in the goddamn freezer and call the cops.” That seems like a pretty reasonable course of action to me, all things considered. When a bunch of crazy white dudes with assault rifles weapons start wandering through the parking lot, it’s best not to ask questions before trying to get the fuck away. Your life is not worth dealing with what appears to be an impending armed robbery.

As it turns out, the gun nuts were actually members of Open Carry Texas, who were for some reason planning to protest outside the restaurant. Why is kind of unclear — did Wayne LaPierre get shortchanged at a Jack in the Box recently? But while their intentions were apparently as benign as one can be while carrying a loaded weapon designed for the express purpose of murdering a whole lot of living creatures in a short amount of time, they were carrying no protest signs and had failed to notify anyone in the Fort Worth Police Department about their plans.

Wow, you guys really don’t get how protests work, do you? Look, if you’re really pissed off about the existence of National Beet Awareness Month (and I, for one, don’t blame you), you don’t just show up outside a Chili’s holding a bunch of hoes. People will think you’re goddamn weird. No, you need signs like “No Beets for Oil” and “Germination is Murder” and “Make Love, Not Borscht,” not to mention a catchy chant like “What do we hate? BEETS! What do we blame them for? THE BARNEY SHITS!” or “HELL NO, WE WON’T HOE!”* Protests that just happen without any forethought are usually better known as “riots” and typically end in tear gas.

Oh, and by the way, remember when Starbucks asked people to please not bring guns inside unless they were, for instance, law enforcement professionals? Yeah, these are the same assholes who protested that eminently reasonable request by carrying rifles and shotguns into a Starbucks in Arlington, Texas.

Anyway, the police were, unsurprisingly, not entirely thrilled when they arrived on the scene. The group, in true dickhead fashion, are complaining that the police “treated them like criminals.” Gee, I’m not sure why they would do that. Possibly the fact that you idiots showed up with a Call of Duty goodie bag and absolutely no planning whatsoever. One protester claimed they were “not trying to alarm anybody. We’re doing this because it’s our constitutional right.” While that’s certainly true, just because I have the right to wear underpants on my head in public while playing the penny whistle solo from My Heart Will Go On on a trombone, it doesn’t mean people won’t want to get the fuck away from me if I do so.

*It’s entirely possible that beet farming has absolutely nothing to do with hoeing whatsoever, and if that’s the case, my bad. Everything I know about beet farming I learned on a guided tour of Schrute Farms. C’est la vie.