McDonald's is Going to Be Offering Lobster Rolls Because God is Dead

Pictured above: what McDonald’s desperately wishes it was offering.

Calling it the McLobster because of course they are, McDonald’s will this summer be rolling out the lowest-rent lobster roll you’ve ever seen. This actually isn’t the first time the company has had lobster rolls on its menu; it was actually launched nationally—and failed spectacularly—in 1993, and was seasonally available in New England until 2005. They also, for reasons beyond the ken of mortal men, apparently sell them in parts of Canada for a limited time each year. To my infinite shame,* I actually ate one of these during a summer trip to Maine in 2003. Amazingly, I’m still alive, but to compare the experience to eating an actual lobster roll is a lot like comparing Lebron James to this guy.

It’s a complete mystery (plummeting sales) why McDonald’s would choose (a shrinking domestic footprint for maybe the first time ever) to bring back the McLobster (desperately flailing against the indignities of a merciless, uncaring universe). Truly, it is an enigma we shall never unpack.

* See? I can feel shame, and all it took was a crime against my taste buds that can never be forgiven.