If there's one thing we know well at Kitchenette, it's the masochistic allure of horrendously terrible snack foods. Little Debbie — your moment has arrived.
My girlfriend and I, as research for this ranking, picked up a bunch of these that we'd never tried before. I have no idea how I talked her into undertaking the results of this experiment with me, and I'm not sure why she's still dating me in the aftermath.
The rules: nothing seasonal (sorry, Easter Basket Cakes), nothing out of a bag (come on — donuts? Fuck off), no pies or muffins because those are way too boring. Don't like my dumb, arbitrary rules? Fine, you go inflict senseless trauma on your GI tract and then you can make your own damn list.
35. Banana Twins
NO. NO NO NO NO NO. Wasn't goddamn happening. We took one look at these in the store and just went "OH FUCK YOU, HELL NO." I don't need to eat these to know how I'd feel about them for the same reason I don't need to be waterboarded to know it doesn't sound like a very fun time.
34. Banana Pudding Rolls
OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. What idiot looked at the Swiss Rolls and thought: "man, I bet I can fuck that up harder?" Don't get complacent, Swiss Rolls, your time is coming soon.
33. Jelly Creme Pies
These fail so hard in so many different directions that I don't even know where to begin. This is like covering scallops in cheese, only if you replaced both the scallops and the cheese with dead kittens — just tragedy mixed with tragedy.
32. Raisin Creme Pies
I can't actually look at these without my gag reflex activating. Re-sizing this photograph is one of the hardest things I've ever done. The less said about this the better.
31. Marshmallow Supremes
Ok, strike one: marshmallows. Strike two: A FUCKLOAD OF MARSHMALLOWS. Strike three: you actually had to make them look like turds on top of that?! Go home, Little Debbie, you are drunk.
30. Strawberry Shortcake Rolls
This is the first entry we tried for this article. Says my girlfriend: "It looks like the Easter Bunny's jizz." Surprisingly, these are OK...until you let your guard down. Then something goes horribly wrong. You start out thinking "well, these could actually be a lot worse — OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT." After about seven seconds, they transform into something like strawberry-flavored battery acid. I don't want to throw these away, I want to erase the memory of their existence from the universe and possibly cause a time paradox in the process.
29. Cheese Danish
At this point you're just trolling us, Little Debbie. You can't expect people to actually pay for these.
28. Marshmallow Pies
How do you even attain that color? There's no possible way that color exists in nature. Shit, I'm not 100% convinced that color even exists in Pete Townshend's brain. You're not even fucking trying at this point, Little Debbie.
27. Cosmic Brownies
The second of the ones we tried. Girlfriend's reaction: "It tastes like a really bad energy bar." This tastes like nothing. It tastes like a bread gummy bear. How do you get something to smell like chocolate without having it even remotely taste like chocolate? "They probably developed some artificial chocolate scent somewhere in New Jersey and injected these things with it. I blame New Jersey for this experience." Wise words, girlfriend.
26. Swiss Rolls
This was one of the other ones we hadn't tried before. Girlfriend's first comment: "Awww, they look like little shrunken dicks…" After tasting, that changed to "GODDAMNIT, NEW JERSEY." Oh sweet Jesus, what the fuck is in those? They don't taste like chocolate, they don't taste like creme...they taste like the chocolate monster just came in my mouth. "I've eaten tripe before, and it wasn't nearly that disgusting," says girlfriend. They taste like the ghost of chemicals past.
25. Cream Cheese Streusel
These should come with Admiral Akbar inside every package, getting ready to shout "IT'S A TRAP!" just as you bite into the streusel and discover its horrible secret, far too late to save you from your sour, grisly fate.
24. Fig Bars
"Hey, sir, I've got an idea to make Fig Newtons way shittier."
"OK, what's the idea?"
"Let's dig up soil from that desecrated Native American burial ground and throw it in there."
"YOU'RE A GODDAMNED GENIUS, STEVENS."
23. Cloud Cakes
How the fuck do you make a twinkie taste worse? Every time I think you've managed to reach your highest point of failure, Little Debbie, you find a new way to fuck up. You're like the Pele of ruining things.
22. Boston Creme Rolls
Congratulations, Boston Creme Rolls. You're the least shitty of all Little Debbie rolls, so you're basically Miss Galveston, Texas. I hope you're pleased with yourself.
21. Chocolate Cupcakes
What the fuck do you put in this creme, Little Debbie? It never stops being weird and terrifying. And yet, this shit STILL isn't nearly as bad as those fucking Swiss Rolls, because at least you're not made to psychologically feel like you're munching on a charred leprechaun's dong.
20. Cosmic Cupcakes
Oh come on, Little Debbie; I eat like a 7-year-old and even I'm not fooled by this shit. These are just Chocolate Cupcakes in a shittier cupcake's clothing. On the plus side: COLORS! So yeah, I'm a 7-year-old.
19. Danish Pastries
I haven't had these, so I shouldn't even be putting them on the list, but I've had your fucking strawberry filling before, Little Debbie. I'm on to you, you sly minx.
18. Fudge Brownies
The walnuts (even though they're shitty walnuts) save these from being nearly as bad as the Cosmic Brownies. They're still shit, though.
17. Nutty Bars
It takes a team of pioneers to fuck up the peanut butter and chocolate combo. Little Debbie, you are that intrepid wagon train, heading west to the Vomit Coast, manifesting your artificially-flavored destiny.
16. Fancy Cakes
Oh, bless your heart, Little Debbie. Bless your sweet, chemical-tasting, overly-optimistic little heart. Apparently, to Little Debbie, "Fancy" means "make them whiter than a Bon Jovi audience."
15. Cocoa Cremes/Devil Squares
Combined into one entry because these are the same fucking thing and you damn well know it, Little Debbie. Stop trying to con me; I know your game. Also, what the fuck is with those strawberries in the corner of the Devil Squares box? Who, exactly, are you attempting to fool?
14. Zebra Cakes
Another of the ones we tried. I wouldn't describe them as "good," but they don't make me want to vomit. We still weren't going to finish these goddamn things, though. Says girlfriend regarding this experiment: "Every single one of these tastes like the floor of a Petroleum refinery. I'm breaking up with you."
13. Fudge Rounds
These should probably be ranked higher, but look at the damn things. Look at that fucking creme. I don't need a reminder of my entire history of poor intestinal decisions, Fudge Rounds, especially not one I administer orally.
12. Devil Cremes
Not bad if you can ignore that horrifying creme flavor. And if you stop thinking of those cookies as being "chocolate." And if you give yourself a concussion.
11. Chocolate Chip Creme Pies
10. Frosted Fudge Cakes
Meh 2: Mehfore Sunset.
9. Chocolate Chip Cakes
Mehddy vs. Jason/The Mehppets Take Manhattan/Pirates of the Mehribbean: Some Stupid Shit About Mermaids. Sorry, had to get all of those out at once (also, sorry I stole your "Ditto" joke, Lindy).
8. Caramel Cookie Bars
We haven't yet wandered into "Actually Good," territory, but these things are basically the exemplar of Little Debbie's "Well, At Least Eating Them Doesn't Make Me Want to Immediately Contact An Exorcist" snack food line.
7. Gingerbread Cookies
I mean...they're shitty gingerbread cookies, but they actually ARE gingerbread cookies. Kind of. Vaguely. Hey, at least they don't taste like they came out of a banana's asshole.
6. Oatmeal Creme Pies
The creme is kind of horrifying, but the cookie's actually good (and doesn't taste like a Chips Ahoy briquette, for which it wins major points). Has the same problem as the Honey Bun in that it starts to fall apart near the end — too much sweetness in this case. But they don't make you curse the wrath of a vengeful God, so...win, on balance?
5. Donut Sticks
Not bad, other than the fact that it feels like you're eating the Gobi Desert. This is the only box we purchased that we actually finished.
4. Cinnamon Streusel Cakes
I mean, it's kind of crappy coffee cake, but kind of crappy coffee cake is going to beat almost anything else on this list. Extra points because they tried to make the box all fancy, which is like bedazzling a pimple, but an A for effort.
3. Honey Buns
If you stopped eating a Honey Bun after the first five seconds, these would rank #1, because those first moments are sweet, gooey bliss. Then the food apparently passes its expiration date inside your mouth and becomes a weird mixture of sand and bittersweet malevolence. And it's STILL the third-best thing in this list, on balance.
2. Star Crunch
These things have no right to be as delicious as the are. I look at them, and I want to hate them, but...I just can't. They're gooey, and crunchy, and, unlike most of this list, they don't taste like The Snackfood of Dr. Moreau. I can't help myself around you, Star Crunch. You're like the destructive relationship that will only bring me pain no matter how many times I keep coming back. I wish I could quit you.
1. Pecan Spinwheels
Bow down to the motherfucking king. I realize this will not be a popular choice, because I'm apparently the only human being who loves this these. In my defense: I'm the one making the list and I'm right because I say so.