Every day, new restaurants pop up in every city in America. The problem is, most of them are just so boring — there are only so many ways to do a diner or a sandwich place or a buffet. But what if we changed all that?
In other words, what if we introduced revolutionary, never-before-seen restaurant ideas sure to make all the money that has ever existed, in this reality or any other? Well, my friends, that dream is now a reality thanks to the following restaurant concepts. Amazingly, as far as I can tell, none of these currently exist. If anyone would like to front the money for any of these concepts, they're all yours if you give me a 5% stake. We can do business together, is all I'm saying.
The Sandwich's Coven
For all your feminist sandwichcraft needs.
The Et-ing Zoo
A similar concept to a high-end lobster restaurant where you can pick your lobster, only children-themed and with significantly cuddlier animals which the kids would be welcome to take time to pet before being served their delicious meatparts. I can't see how this could possibly go horribly wrong.*
The Undiscovered Country Buffet
If there's one thing old people love, it's buffets, and if there's one thing they need, it's nursing homes. So I figure, why not combine the two?
Endangerously delicious! I'd write a fake motto, but funny enough, "No Rules, Just Right" works pretty damn well for this concept, too.
Serves only leftover pizza and TV dinners, although all entrees come with a side of insurmountable malaise.
Olive Garden, The Broken Family Restaurant
When you're here, you're fighting! Note: this is basically just any regular Olive Garden, so this concept is kind of already done.
You've probably never heard of it. Anyway, it was way better before it sold out and started actually serving food.
International House of Mancakes
The pancakes may be shitty, but they come with a free dude shaking his dangling participle nearby, so...win, maybe? Don't eat the syrup. REALLY don't eat the syrup.
Kentucky Fried Penguin
Every meal is narrated by Morgan Freeman. If you make it through your meal without sobbing into your Emperor Bucket, you're a goddamned liar, no one makes it through their meal without sobbing into their Emperor Bucket.
"Do you really want to make this joke?" "Ohhh, I really want to make this joke."
The Old Country Buffet
Only serves borscht, and midway through the meal your waiter shows up to hit you over the head and repossess your table for the good of the state.
Steak n Snake
Your meal is free if you manage to subdue an extremely ornery puff adder.
Walter White Castle
As you progress through your meal, you steadily alienate everyone at your table, ultimately admitting, just before dessert, that the ugliness and greed you've been displaying the entire meal weren't the result of your shitty burgers — they were secretly corrupting your soul all along. Then you get the flamethrower shits.
Basically, a more honest version of what Chik-Fil-A actually believes.
Specializes in rabbit. I feel like we're missing something in the fundamental construction of this place, though — like our best-laid plans might go astray.**
Crack in the Box
A similar concept has already been beta-tested in Pittsburgh, so we know it works.
Long John Greyjoy's
The only acceptable form of payment is the Iron Price.
Ruth's Steve Tim's Algernon Shmuelig's Ha Ha Clinton-Dix Steak House
Well, this name makes as much fucking sense as the original one does.
Exactly like a regular Waffle House, but the kitchen is also the dining room and everything is covered in cat hair.
Credit where credit's due — my friend Molly came up with this one. Sadly, a pizza parlor/brothel would only be currently legal in Nevada, but this is still one of the best ideas I've ever heard. "BUT THE PIZZA HAS TO BE REALLY GOOD, THAT'S THE KEY!" I've had Molly shout at me multiple times. I mean...I really don't think the pizza quality is the key there, but OK.
* Horrible, horrible credit (except for the name) to Mark for this concept. I cannot decide whether to be more horrified or awed by this.
** Fuck you, I'll make a Steinbeck joke if I want to make a Steinbeck joke, dammit.