Taco Bell is Unleashing Cap'n Crunch Testicle Bites

They’re actually calling them “Cap’n Crunch Delights,” but come on, we all know we’re looking at the Cap’n’s scrote meat.

It’s unclear what specifically the balls of sweet dough are dyed with (I’m betting the blood of the Cap’n’s erstwhile crew members), but they’re then dusted with ground up Cap’n Crunch because, sure, why not? They’re also filled with something called “milk icing,” which is probably not nearly as horrifying as it sounds (this would not be difficult). They’re currently being product-tested in Bakersfield, California. There are more pictures here via FoodBeast. If you’re honestly telling me this looks appealing to you, I’m not sure what to tell you:

I’m torn, here. I’ve admitted it before: the Cinnabon Bites are, against all expectations, delicious, even if you have to constantly work to shake the extremely uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach as you’re eating them. This, though…this might be a bridge too far for me. I mean, it’s undeniably horrifying, but…part of me is still intrigued (and disgusted with myself for it). I suspect that reaction is exactly Taco Bell’s target demographic.