Taco Bell is Inflicting Free Doritos Locos Tacos on Us Starting Now

To ring in the new year, Taco Bell is unleashing Doritos Locos Tacos upon us for free (as if that makes it better) starting today. For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we’ll take a Locos Taco yet, for all the heartburn mine.

In honor of the fact that Taco Bell’s mobile app hit 1.4 million downloads last month, the company is offering free Doritos Locos Tacos for anyone who orders using the mobile app, up to the first million Locos Tacos sold in January 2015. It’s one free Locos Taco per mobile order, both because they would paint themselves into a corner quick if they hadn’t specified,and because even Taco Bell would feel culpable after what would happen if they inflicted 50 free Locos Tacos on one person at one time (modern science’s best guess as to the ensuing carnage is an approximate re-enactment of the 1997 film Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche*).

It’s worth noting that Taco Bell has sold over a billion Doritos Locos Tacos. Consider that number for a moment, because it’s almost incomprehensible that in the not-quite three years Locos Tacos have been in existence, their purveyor has made more money off their sale than the yearly Gross Domestic Product of many small countries. I think there’s only one obvious solution: Taco Bell has to take over a small island nation and establish the Kingdom of Locostan. This will totally work.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably mention that I ate at Taco Bell three times while I was out of Pittsburgh, and that number would’ve been four if I’d been able to find one in Baltimore-Washington International Airport (I specifically searched). It was fucking delicious and I’m not sorry.