Pizza Delivery Customer Writes Most Adorable/Longest Receipt Note Ever

We talk a lot about horrible restaurant customers here on Kitchenette (tomorrow’s BCO is going to be another Worst Customers one because you guys just keep sending those stories), but sometimes it’s nice to see evidence of a customer whom you just want to high five.

The imgur post, appropriately titled “I know you’re out there, and you’re not an asshole,” contains a receipt at once rambling, awkward, and pretty adorable. This pizza place, like many online ordering systems, contains a “Customer Request” section, and one guy decided to (helpfully, and I mean that sincerely) explain his order in detail:

The text, if you’re having trouble reading that:

I put green peppers but dont actually want them. I want banana peppers instead but they arent listed and I dont want the uncomfortable scenario of adding a topping in the comments but not paying for it and then youre all, “this asshole is going off menu and expects free banana peppers”. Im not that guy. Anyway, to sum up; no green peppers as listed in the toppings for this pizza, substitute banana peppers. Also, I prefer to call them pepperoncinis but I fear the obvious pepperoncinipepperoni mix up. Keep it real you glorious bastards.

The thoughtfulness! The possibly-OCD level of foresight in anticipating and avoiding mix-ups! That glorious send-off! This is great enough that we’re going to ignore the fact that banana peppers and pepperoncini are not in any way the same thing,* and also the fact that olives and banana peppers is pretty much the grossest pizza I can imagine that doesn’t involve the word “pineapple.”

You keep it real, too, you glorious pizza lover.

* To anyone about to comment as to this regardless: stop trying to murder a beautiful thing, you joyless assholes.