New DC Restaurant to Charge For "Artisanal" Ice Cubes

Illustration for article titled New DC Restaurant to Charge For "Artisanal" Ice Cubes

A new restaurant in Washington DC (come the fuck on, hometown) has declared they're going to charge for "artisanal" ice cubes. In other news, I'm pretty sure we're up to the 3rd or 4th sign of the apocalypse at this point.


The Washington City Paper reports that Second State, a restaurant that opens tomorrow in downtown DC,* is planning on charging $1 for their "artisanal" ice cubes. If you're wondering why I keep putting that in quotation marks, it's because I refuse to pretend that's a real thing. Moreover, they actually think this behavior is defensible:

"It's worth it," says bar manager Phil Clark. "When it goes into a cocktail, it's crystal clear. It's purified water, so there's no minerally taste."

Congratulations, Second State; you froze some fucking water. I'm assuming you're in 2nd grade since you're acting like it's a big deal. Did you know that if you flavor it and put toothpicks in it, you can get popsicles? It's true! Also, you are not going to believe what happens when you make a papier mache volcano and pour some baking soda and vinegar in there!

Christ, DC. I am SO disappointed in you right now. I can only take solace in the fact that there's a 95% chance this place will cater less to locals and more to the pretentious douchehats the rest of the country regularly Fedexes to us. By the way, the rest of you can shut the fuck up about how awful DC is because of politicians and lobbyists; we don't elect those assholes or cause them to come to DC, you do. We don't get to elect anyone other than crack addicts and corruption connoisseurs.

I'm also going to take a small victory from the fact that Second State is apparently Pennsylvania-themed (hence the name) — this isn't the typical way a Keystone State restaurant fucks up, but hey, they've already exhausted "putting completely unnecessary potato products and tomatoes on things," so they have to break new ground somewhere.

* Of course it's fucking downtown — everything shitty and pretentious within the city limits happens within a limited, well-defined radius of the Farragut North metro station.


Image via Davydenko Yuliia/Shutterstock.


A Small Turnip

I wish there were a word to describe food that's non-industrial, small-batch, and generally made with care and attention by a human person, but without the twee, vomitous affectation that artisanal has. Because I am, by and large, a fan of a****anal food. Lots of it is good and interesting and worth putting in your mouth. Not to the exclusion of all other types of food—by god, you will pry my hot salty McDonalds french fries out of my cold, clawed, dead hand—but there's a lot to like about most genuinely a****anal eats.

The name, though. What a fucking pretentious arsy embarrassment of a name. What reasonable term could we use to replace it with? There has to be something I can say with a goddamned straight face.