McDonald's New Mascot Will Haunt Your Nightmares

McDonald’s has introduced a new mascot, and as you can see, it GAHHHH THE TEETH, OH GOD THE TEETH!

Ahem. As I was saying, the mascot is named “Happy” because apparently the ad department for McDonald’s lacks even the most fundamental grasp of irony. Unless NBC News has been BADLY hoaxed, it (I’m going to refrain from saying its name, because I strongly suspect that every time you do, it murders a hobo) has apparently been used around the world since 2009 — although obviously this is the first time it’s been introduced to US markets, seeing as how the seas have not boiled and the sun has not become as sackcloth.

I badly wanted to believe this was a hoax. I was sure it was a hoax. I desperately, desperately hope someone in the comments will provide evidence that it’s a hoax. As far as I can tell, however, that thing is terrifyingly real, as evidenced by this tweet. If you’re wondering why I linked that rather than embedding it, I swear to God I’m not making this up: my computer just straight up REFUSED to embed the thing. I think it’s so scared of that image that it is defying my direct orders.

Julie Wenger, McDonald’s senior director of U.S. Marketing, was quoted as saying: “At McDonald’s, we’re always looking to bring fun and happiness to families.” Imagine the horrifying, dead-eyed stare that line must’ve been accompanied by.

I could not be more baffled. It’s like they looked at Ronald McDonald and went “a clown’s not nearly terrifying enough; what else you got?” Did H.R. Giger do some ad work for McDonald’s towards the end of his life, similar to Errol Morris shooting that Taco Bell commercial? For the love of God, someone please explain to me how this exists.