Here's the Worst Opinion About Tipping You'll Read This Week

Illustration for article titled Here's the Worst Opinion About Tipping You'll Read This Week

Hey guys! How’d you like to join me in shooting blood out of our eyes on this fine Thursday evening?

Brought to us by Uexpress and sent in by an alert reader, the same website that features Dear Abby, here is an exchange between columnist Bruce Williams and a reader, who collectively comprise the membership of hit hair metal band Douchegasm:

DEAR BRUCE: I recently dined at a Manhattan restaurant that put a 20 percent tip on my bill. I told the waiter to take the bill back and run it without the outrageous tip. The waiter told me it was city law that all diners must pay a 20 percent tip. I told him call a city cop because I wasn’t paying it.

I walked to the register to pay the bill. I told the lady at the cash register to take out the 20 percent tip and she promptly did so. The lesson here for your readers is, the diner determines the tip, not the waiter. — Reader

DEAR READER: You said it all! There is no such law in Manhattan that a restaurant has to put a 20 percent tip on the bill. It may well be that the government assumes that waiters get 10 percent on average, and I don’t have a great problem with that. Unless it’s a very low-cost operation, you can bet they’ll get at least 10 percent.

What your waiter did was wrong, and stiffing him by taking the 20 percent off is exactly what he deserved.

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“Stiffing him by taking the 20 percent off is exactly what he deserved.” “Stiffing him by taking the 20 percent off is exactly what he deserved.” “Stiffing him by taking the 20 percent off is exactly what he deserved.”

I hope that when both of you pass from this mortal coil, you are condemned to an eternity of having to put on wet socks over and over and over and over and over. Feel free to share all your creative curses for them both in the comments!

Image via Alexey Rotanov/Shutterstock.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.

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DISCUSSION

nevermindedith
NeverMindEdith

Hahahahaha, oh Brayden, darling, did you read that delightful new Bruce Williams column in the daily print out of the internet that one of our several butlers brought us this morning?

Why yes I did, Joennifer-kitten! He had a marvelously good point! Serves that food man right, trying to take hard earned money for free! I hope he’s learnt his lesson! You know, I’m feeling inspired? Why, I think, as a form of protest, I won’t tip anyone for at least a year! Instead, I’ll write down all the ways they can improve their service! That’s quite a bit more valuable than money, I’d say! What do you think, Candelabra Eurospoon? Will you help daddy put the lazy service humans in their place?

Yes absolutely father! Then afterwards, can I run my horse over a giant pile of money and then force poor people to look us in the eye while we shit directly on our pile of money and stare disapprovingly at them? Then we’ll tell them that if they don’t like the way food service workers are treated, they should just find a better job! Hahahaha, what fun! Oh! Or go to a Thai food place and tell them I’m allergic to peanuts and noodles and also all ingestible foods? Oh, let’s do it, daddykins! I would love to it ever so much!



Of course, darling! Now let’s go fly to Azkaban, where we shall leech souls to continue our worthless lives! We must away!