Pinterest is one of the internet's more interesting inventions — a website for craftsy people to share their creativity with the world without quite as much twee pretension as Etsy. The dark side of it, however, is that when it comes to food, that creativity could often be described charitably as "misplaced" and uncharitably as "what unholiness hast thou wrought upon thine Jell-O mold?"
Join me, won't you, as we drown the sorrows of Tuesday night's election in good old-fashioned mockery and spite? We avoided anything that was deliberately trying to be gross (you would not believe how many different Halloween recipes try to recreate a used cat litterbox in edible form, for example), because come on, that's cheating. No, you will find none of that below. The entries you see before you are what happens when beautiful, unique culinary Icarii try to create something wonderful, but fly far too close to the sun.
Cousin Hal's Favorite Tuna Casserole
I have to assume Cousin Hal was possessed of either a death wish or an inclination towards masochism. The recipe making heavy use of Saltines was a nice touch. Saltines: for when Triscuits are far too fancy.
"'Should?' 'Should?!' I care not for whether we 'should' stretch the frontiers of fudge science! All that matters is that we can!"
"But Dr. Glorpenstein! There are places fudgeology was not meant to tread!"
"Gods damn your ethics, man! There are desserts to be desecrated!"
Ground Beef Casserole
I've been wondering why McDonald's hasn't aired any ads featuring Grimace lately.
Pumpkin Spice Martini
I probably don't need to say anything. I could just post this picture and wait to hear the screams. I'm sure they'll be audible from here.
Congratulations, Pumpkin Spice Martini creator: you have somehow figured out a way to make candy corn more disgusting, and all you needed to do was submerge it in something unspeakable. If there existed a Nobel Prize for Horrifying Food Physics, you would win it in perpetuity.
I'll grant you that this picture is this dish in its embryonic stages, but even still, the fact that they made the conscious decision to include this image is breathtaking. I can't decide whether it looks more like a pizza made out of human skin and sprinkled with cinnamon-flavored meth or whether that's merely the surface of a roiling cauldron filled with pepto bismol and rendered yeti parts. On balance, I would prefer not to know.
Hamburger Noodle Casserole
Did someone turn a hamburger into a noodle cookie? That's my best guess as to what's happening here. Bonus points for the globules of whatever those are escaping from underneath the noodledoodlebed, because it's hard not to imagine them screaming for the sweet release of death.
Holiday Green Gelatin Salad
Because who isn't up for Swamp Ant Souffle? Communists, that's who.
Barbecue Pulled Tuna
Clearly, the only thing that could improve sliders is if they looked like gila monster leavings circa the 1945 New Mexico desert.
Cheetos Marshmallow Crispy Treats
I know every time I eat Rice Krispie Treats, I remark to myself how much better they'd be if only they were inundated with chemical cheese. What, you mean you guys don't wrap your marshmallows in Kraft singles? Next you're going to say you've never had a marshmallow-fluff-and-easy-mac sandwich!
Play Dough Cookies (sic)
Remember that one weird kid in your kindergarten class who'd eat play-do at any given opportunity? That kid was super weird, wasn't he? He probably did some other weird stuff, too, like picking his nose or biting people.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I was that kid.* This doesn't have to do with anything, it's just a revealing if unsurprising piece of trivia. Wait, what were we talking about?
BBQ Pulled Pork Cinnamon Rolls
This is one of those ideas that sounds brilliant to an 8-year-old but that anyone else can see is terrible, like pickle-flavored ice cream, or trying to drive mom's car, or Frozen. There's no way this didn't end with an adult sighing resignedly.
Salty Sweet Peanut Butter Caramel Funky Fritos
First, that's at least three adjectives too many — "funky" in particular smacks of manic desperation. Second, stop stealing recipes from Guy Fieri. Third, here's how you know this is a winner: the person who came up with the recipe claims it's "great with candy corn instead of M&M's." That is the first time anyone has attempted to use that sentence outside of a horror movie script, and even there it was deemed too unrealistic for anyone to actually say, "even Zombie Hitler."
Weird and Wonderful Bologna Cake
Let's leave aside the fact that the recipe involves the words "12 ounces good quality bologna," as if that weren't an absurd statement on the face of it, as well as the dollop of spray cheese jauntily perched on this Steinbeckian nightmare's edge, because we need to talk about that white stuff between the bologna slices. You're probably thinking that's mayo. You would be wrong. So, so tragically wrong. Let's see if we can guess what it is with the help of Jezebel's own Isha Aran:
me: I want you to look at this and tell me if you can figure out what's happening here
me: it's so much worse than you would initially think
me: guess what the white stuff is
Isha: THAT LOOKS LIKE BOLOGNA TIRAMISU WITH FUCKING CHEEZWHIZ WHIPPED CREAM
me: you won't be able to guess
Isha: i was gonna say cream cheese or sour cream
Isha: but if it's not either of those, do i want to know?
me: cream cheese mixed with something
guess what it's mixed with
think of the grossest thing possible that wouldn't change the color
so much worse
me: arguably worse
Isha: cream of mushroom soup?
me: recalibrate your brain to the sort of people who just elected a Republican majority to the Senate
Isha: oop okay
me: give up?
me: ranch dressing
you have no idea how much money I'd pay to see what happened to your face when you read those two words
Isha: let me describe it to you
that was not even on my radar
and i am a damn FOOL for that
A good life rule is that if you ever find yourself combining cream cheese and ranch dressing for any reason, ever, you need to take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and figure out where your life went so horribly wrong.
Here's another picture of it in its full, unsliced glory:
Be afraid, America. Be very afraid.
Seen anything particularly horrifying on Pinterest lately? Let us know by e-mailing it to WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.
* In my defense, Play-Do is delicious.
Thanks to Kinja user Smithwellette for her help in researching this post.