Doritos Are Apparently Trying to Mate With Every Product In Existence

I didn’t realize until today that Doritos possessed a mating season.

As many of you are no doubt already aware (and for everyone who didn’t, I’m so sorry), Doritos recently made headlines by attempting to consciously and repeatedly couple with Mountain Dew; the Doritos-flavored liquid is called “Dewitos,” and word is it tastes like liquid carbonated cheese. Don’t bother to clean up the mess you made after reading that sentence just yet, because the next couple paragraphs are only going to render that hard labor pointless.

On the heels of its destructive, apparently open relationship with the Dew, Doritos is also casting bedroom eyes at numerous other companies and products. Chief among these is the image you see before you of a menu item from Pizza Hut Australia whose crust is smothered in corn chips, because the universe is a cold, uncaring place that seeks only my misery and torment. It’s called the Doritos Crunchy Crust Pizza, because the only person at either company who could be bothered to give a fuck was out sick on the day they named it.

But wait, there’s more! Doritos is also frantically humping the leg of Buffalo Wild Wings, working on numerous Doritos-themed menu items. These haven’t yet been revealed, but I’m sure when we find out what they are, they’ll be just as horrific as every other target in Doritos’ frenzied sex rampage.

Even Doritos’ jilted, lonely ex is trying to recapture some of the magic: Taco Bell is apparently unleashing a bevy of tortilla chip-encrusted menu items, including one product called the Chickstar (which is apparently a chicken Crunchwrap Supreme or something like it) whose name has to be the result of an interoffice bet. You know you’ve entered a weird space when Taco Bell is the far less crazy party in the room.

Jesus, Doritos, is it already time for your Pon Farr again? Last time it led to horrors unspeakable, tragedies upon which no decent person should be forced to cast their eyes. Let’s hope we get out of this one uncheesened.