Illustration for article titled Dairy Queen Robbed By Mysterious, Sword-Wielding Assailant

Y’know. Just robbing a Dairy Queen with a sword. As one does.

A robbery at a Port Huron, Michigan Dairy Queen has police searching for a robber armed with fucking Longclaw. Police say the man ordered a Blizzard, then as soon as the counterperson opened the cash register, he pulled out a “sword or machete,” grabbed the cash, and ran. OK, important question here: how exactly does one hide a sword? A sword tends to occupy a sizable area, not to mention immediately drawing one’s attention to its presence, because it’s a fucking sword. Was the nameless suburban ronin actually a master of hammerspace?

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Police are still looking for the alleged Blizzburglar, described as a 6-foot-tall white guy in his mid-20’s wearing a black and blue parka, a black hoodie, and a gray scarf with skulls on it. If you see him and you happen to be a Highlander, do not approach: he has likely consumed more souls than you have in preparation for the Quickening.

Image via Ken Wolter/Shutterstock.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com, or if you liked his culturally-relevant Game of Thrones and Highlander references, you should follow him on Twitter @EyePatchGuy.

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DISCUSSION

I want to make a remark that of course the men of the Night’s Watch would occasionally partake of a dairy based frozen confection treat every now and again, noting that their vows do not require them to abstain from Oreo Blizzards.

I wanted to say that Samwell Tarly is currently the lead suspect (because of course he is).

I wanted to say that Jon Snow claims to know nothing about this crime.

I wanted to post a picture of the Night’s King.

But I can’t. Because Kitchenette is going away. The Closed Ovens will be closed forever.

It’s like a million personalized monogrammed thermos salesmen cried out as one and were suddenly silenced.

Woe and lament.

You had one job, Samwell!

WHERE’S MY FUCKING BLIZZARD?!