Burger King Canada is Now Offering Burger Poutine

Burger King Canada is now selling poutine, which I’m sure will be regarded as great news by Canadian Jezebel readers who tragically lack taste buds but still subscribe to Diarrhea Fancy magazine.

OK, so Burger King does already offer traditional poutine, as well as one with bacon. This is the first time they’re offering poutine made specifically with Burger King ingredients, though; hamburger meat, pickles, mustard, ketchup, and regret. I honestly have no idea how this will be received on the basis of its ingredients. It depends on whether Canadians are adventurous about what makes up “real” poutine ingredients, or fanatically purist like Americans who can’t see the genius of pizza made with anything other than tomato sauce and who are bad and should feel bad because they are ruining this country.

The existence of Burger King poutine is really more confusing than anything. It would make sense if Burger King was offering poutine in the US — most Americans have no idea what good* poutine tastes like because it’s not available all over the place here, which would count as a double win for Burger King. In Canada, though, poutine is available from vending machines on every street corner, along with maple syrup, hockey jerseys, and charmingly awkward 1980’s comic actors, so — I’m sorry, I’m being politely but firmly told that is wildly incorrect and I know nothing about Canada. My deepest apologies to Canada, except for Prince Edward Island, which gets no apology whatsoever. It knows what it did.

Anyway, Canadians know what good poutine is supposed to taste like (I assume), so Burger King’s efforts to produce low-rent poutine seem kind of misguided. This would be a lot like Long John Silver’s opening a Tokyo outlet and trying to produce sushi — just a terrible plan in every conceivable way.

* For a given value of good. Poutine seems like it could work for people who are fans of a) messy food, and b) shitty boxed gravy, but as someone with an abiding hatred for both things, I have never been impressed. I feel about poutine the way I feel about actual ribs — I totally get the appeal, but you will never, ever, EVER catch me ordering that dish.