An ode to pastry.
It appears extremely likely that the price of both bacon and pork chops is about to rise by 25 percent. In related news, THE END IS FUCKING NIGH.
Do you love food porn? Of course you do! Who doesn't? Communists, that's who! And hey, you know what's especially fun to look at with food porn? Fruits and veggies, which are rich in — WAIT, NO, COME BACK, I MUST TELL YOU OF THE WONDERS OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
Hey, you know what I love? Bullshit sexist stereotypes about who does or does not "belong in the kitchen." Aren't those fun?
It's a well-known fact that kids will cheerfully eat stuff a starving hyena won't go anywhere near. This got me thinking: what sort of goofy, ridiculous shit did we eat as children that probably should be banned by the Geneva Convention?
Ah, Salmon. King of staple fish (fuck you, cod, I'm still pissed at you for existing). Picture a nice fish dinner, and there's a good chance you're thinking about salmon in some capacity. What you're probably not picturing, though, is that the process by which you attained your delicious fishstuff involved enough…
Since the dawn of humanity, mankind has wondered about the most intricate mysteries of the universe. Why are we here? How did life begin? And, most vexingly: how do you get your poop to change colors?
Remember that public clamor over unfair and borderline inhumane wage practices that resulted in a massive fast food strike in 2013? Well, contrary to what the cynical among us thought would be the case, it appears that it's going to result in something positive after all.
Welcome back to Behind Closed Ovens, the series where we recount some of the craziest restaurant stories people have actually agreed to tell in public. As always, these are real stories from Kinja users, along with one of my own:
I would ask if you've ever fantasized about a dining experience where you could be surrounded by Jeff Goldblum at all times, but, I mean, of course you have. You aren't made of stone.
Last month, Congress passed a bill that would reduce federal spending by $8.6 billion over the next decade, and it's pretty atrocious. You might be saying to yourself: isn't saving money a good thing? Well, you haven't heard about the (not in any way) surprising catch: in order to do so, the bill basically completely…
Remember Watson, the IBM computer that won on Jeopardy? Apparently, he's broadening his skill set, and we are all doomed.
I know, I know; we're all tired of the damnable cronut by now. You're tired of hearing about it, I'm tired of hearing about it, your grandmother who only watches Brian Williams ("he seems like such a nice young man!") is tired of hearing about it.
Ever wish you could wake up to the smell of crackling bacon but are unable to do so because your only roommates are cats/your significant other regards A.M. times as things that happen to other people?
Hey, remember Mighty Wings, McDonald's ill-fated attempt to branch out into the bone-in chicken market? The fast food giant really wishes you would remember them. Please? We'll give them to you for half-off? 70% off? Will you give us a quarter? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE TAKE OUR CHICKEN WINGS.
Welcome back to Foods That Should Not Exist, our weekly series where Kitchenette goes on a deep, spiritual quest to eventually offend everyone in the entire world. Last week we checked Scandinavia and New England off that list, so let's see who I can piss off this week, shall we?
Oh no! America! We have to fix everything that is wrong with the environment and stop climate change RIGHT NOW or else Chipotle, the country's best purveyor of sort-of Mexican food that isn't Taco Bell, may stop serving guacamole altogether.
Oh, Cosmopolitan. What are we going to do with you? Apart from laughing until we nearly asphyxiate, because we're already doing that.
Remember when an in-flight meal was considered a guaranteed part of the flight, rather than being seen as some newfangled, exciting privilege? Remember too when every fourth joke by a stand-up comic was about how the seat-back tray was more edible than the food served on top of it?
Welcome to Behind Closed Ovens, the series where Kitchenette takes a look at the most absurd stories from the most absurd industry in existence: food service. As always, we begin with one of my own stories (or at least one that happened to a co-worker):