You brave, deluded souls. This entire post could just be this gif, over and over.
Via MarketWatch, Domino’s has now opened a location in Milan, Italy, and plans to open three more in the country by the end of the year. In what has to be considered some sort of crime against quality ingredients, the pizza chain is planning to use locally-sourced toppings like prosciutto di parma, gorgonzola, and grana padano. They’re also apparently keeping it simple, going with classic styles like Margherita, Napoli, and Sicilian pizzas rather than their erstwhile American concoctions.* Because that’s what Italy, Home of 1,001 Ways to Make Cheese, Bread, and Tomatoes Delicious, really needed: cruel, Americanized mockeries of the things they love.
OK, OK, fair’s fair: Domino’s is way better than it was a decade and a half ago, when it fit the definition of “tile grout” better than it did of “pizza.” It even tastes relatively like food now! Yay Domino’s! But whether actual Italians will take to the culinary stylings of Domino’s remains to be—holy fuck I can’t even finish this sentence with a straight face.
This is going to be so precious.
* Keep in mind, this is the same company that earlier this year unveiled their newest masterpiece, the Deluxe Some Shit With Sriracha, Isn’t That What You Kids Are Into Now. Just fyi, the image through that link might be considered NSFW, and no, I’m actually not kidding when I say that.**
** For those of you who still thought it was a joke and subsequently shouted “GODDAMNIT, PINKHAM,” I did warn you.
Image via Ken Wolter/Shutterstock.
Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.