The Food at the Emmys is the Culinary Equivalent of a Roman Orgy

It's awards season again,* and that means it's time for Hollywood to get its extravagance on.

With last night's VMA's and tonight's Emmy's, the endless cycle begins anew. Someone will wear a dress people won't be able to stop talking about (the conversation surrounding which will sound to me like Charlie Brown's parents because I have the fashion sense of a concussed armadillo), Beyonce will probably do something awesome, someone will/will not win an award they did/did not deserve and everyone will freak out, someone will get given a statue more due to sentimentality than actual performance, and whoever is hosting this thing will make at least a few dumb and/or offensive jokes.**

All of this will be set against a backdrop of opulence that would make Nero weep with envy, but perhaps nowhere is this more evident than with the food available at the after-party. I can't decide whether to laugh at what the guests at the Emmy's are going to eat or to whimper in sad, impotent envy (final verdict: both at the same time).

Let's have a look, shall we?

To start is a grilled peach and heirloom tomato salad with Little Gem lettuce, candy striped figs, burrata, honey Vidalia onions, peppermint, basil, toasted Marcona almonds and fleur de sel.

I'm assuming that all tastes pretty good together, even if the ingredients list looks like salad mad libs. Peppermint and figs and sea salt? That sounds more like something that should be bubbling in a Shakespearean cauldron than an appetizer.

The main course will be a filet of beef, Witches Finger, Cotton Candy grapes and faux bone marrow made from a hollowed out potato filled with creamy potato puree, zephyr squash, caramelized cippolini and crisp lacinato kale.

Hold on, I can't concentrate on reading this over the sound of thousands of hipsters reaching simultaneous orgasm.

For dessert, pastry chef Carlos Enriquez wanted something nostalgic, so he created his version of chocolate s'mores with Alunga whipped ganache, torched marshmallow fluff, graham cracker crumble and Inaya chocolate-dipped Pop Rocks. Cellar Door Chocolates, from Louisville, Ky., will also provide a selection of chocolates.

Q: Which film and television stars are going to actually eat this dessert, while the rest run in terror from the calorie count?

A: The awesome ones.

By the way, if you were curious as to just how much food is required to feed a Hollywood after-party involving 4,000 people, here you go:

So what does it take to feed a room full of the biggest stars on TV? 205 cooks, 45 bartenders, 1,500 pounds of filet mignon, 3,800 potatoes, 500 pounds of heirloom tomatoes, 3,800 champagne flutes, 5,000 wine glasses, 5,940 bottles of wine and more.

Well then.

* Or so Rebecca is frantically shouting at me. I haven't watched an awards show since Return of the King basically swept the Oscars and I nearly threw my TV out of my fifth-floor dorm-room window to the warbling, aimless soundtrack of Annie Lennox in rapid descent.

** Wait, it's Seth Meyers? Then I look forward watching the show's producers defang my favorite SNL cast member of the last 20 years not named Amy Poehler.

Image via Getty.