A definitive ranking which vegetable tempuras are the best tempuras according to science facts. Don’t try to argue with science facts.

N/A. Shrimp
Get off my vegetable tempura list, shrimp—you are not a vegetable. Seriously, shrimp, why the fuck are you always here when I’m just trying to get my vegetable on? Shrimp tempura is that one friend who always shows up to the party no matter how carefully you try to keep them from knowing about it.

13. Okra
YOU FUCKING MONSTERS.

12. Being eaten by a shark while being forced to read a best-to-worst rankings list
Self-explanatory.

11. Zucchini
Ew.

10. Eggplant
Ew Part Deux.

9. Mushrooms
Mushrooms are delicious. Tempura mushrooms are fungal spooge pockets, which are not delicious.

8. Carrot
This is apparently a thing.

7. Whatever that white and purple one is that I can never identify that always tastes a little like sawdust
How do they get the sawdust taste in there? Are syringes involved? And why do I enjoy the end result?

6. Cauliflower
Not bad, even if it’s poor, sad almost-broccoli.

5. Onion
It’s an onion ring. Onion rings are pretty boss. You can’t really go wrong with onion rings.

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4. Green Bean
Both the most second-most phallic, and the most second-most fun to eat (I consider these facts to be related)!

3. Asparagus
Sorry, green beans, you’ve been displaced.

2. Sweet Potato
A pain in the ass to dip, but delicious as fuck.

1. Broccoli
The best, as declared by science.

Edit: Readers pointed out multiple vegetables I’d never seen in tempura form, so I added them. This is what ethics in food journalism looks like.

Image via GJS/Shutterstock.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.