We Tested All of Cosmo's Insane Food-Focused Sex Tips

Remember that list of Cosmo's Craziest Food-Related Sex Tips from a while back? One of our readers volunteered to try them all with the help of her boyfriend. The following are her actual scientific findings as she performed each experiment. I swear to God I'm not making this up.

As she quite understandably requested a pseudonym, for the rest of the article, she will be referred to as Nymphodora Tonks (she requested a Harry Potter-themed pseudonym, and come on, that shit writes itself). Her boyfriend also requested a pseudonym, so as far as we're concerned, his name shall henceforth be Flex Moonpuncher, M.D.

The following are all 100% true; the two of them actually did all this stuff, and in many cases have the pictures to prove it (largely SFW, except maybe for that last one), many of which are included below (all pictures, I shouldn't even have to clarify, are reposted with permission from Nymphodora). Where certain products weren't available (and even where some were), she improvised like the motherfucking MacGuyver of boning (I didn't even tell her to do that, by the way; that's just her commitment to her craft). Nymphodora and Flex rated everything on a scale of 1 to 5, in the categories of Her Rating, His Rating, Bonertude, Mess Level, and Pain Level, as well as whether they would try this tip again if it were not in service to a dumb internet article. The scale itself breaks down roughly as follows, at least when we're talking about the first three categories:

0 — I think I'd rather fuck a cactus.
1 — Could you hurry up? There's laundry to do.
2 — Well, my genitals aren't exactly unhappy about this experience.
3 — Starting to move the needle, and by needle, I mean my man/ladybusiness.
4 — All aboard the SS HappyFunPantsTimes!
5 — WOULD SEX AGAIN VERY YES.

My commentary on each of these experiments appears below in Italics. Apart from some minor pruning and editing here and there, these are her exact descriptions of the...uh...events. Anyway, godspeed, you crazy interstellar boning pioneers. Manifest your weird-ass food sex destiny.

The Mango Endeavor

The Original Tip

"Chew a small piece of mango...then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him."

Research Notes, Part 1: What Cosmo Tells You to Do

I did as Cosmo suggested and chewed a small piece of mango before "taking him in my mouth" (who says stuff like that??) (Nymphodora is unaware that Cosmo sex writers are a rare and elusive species; NatGeo documentaries have attempted to capture them in their native habitat of upscale happy hours, but to no avail. They've even tried leaving out their preferred forms of sustenance, brightly-colored umbrella cocktails and just-opened bottles of Muscato, in an attempt to lure them out of hiding, but these efforts have been met with only silence). I tried not to chew it too much, since I didn't want it to deteriorate. The mango pieces only slightly got in the way of performing a bj, but they didn't enhance the experience for him much either. Since he couldn't really feel the mango pieces, I quit after maybe 30 seconds and just swallowed the mango. Not impressed.

Her Rating — 1
His Rating — 1.5
Bonertude — Started at a 2, before any mango was even involved. It stayed at a 2 throughout this experiment.
Mess Level — 1
Pain Level — 0
Would we do it again? Him — Yes, because it involves his penis in a mouth. Anything that ends in a bj is good in his opinion. Her — No. The texture of chewed up mango in the mouth is not sexy, and is a potential choking hazard.

Research Notes, Part 2: Mango, Nymphodora Tonks' Style

Just reading the Cosmo tip, I knew that I could do better with mango. But in the name of science I tried their way first, and confirmed what I already knew — chewed up mango as a bj tool is not effective. I thought I would use mango slices as a tooth guard, like the ones they sell in sex shops (I've always thought I knew my way around when it came to sex, but reading these are making me feel like a talented prep basketball player listening to LeBron James talk about how to dissect a defense. Just a whole other level of game, here). I took two slices of mango, and tried to press them onto my teeth, like a fruit mouth guard. I have a small mouth, so this was a bit of a challenge (lesson learned; use smaller slices). I was also drooling a bit, which caused fits of laughter from both of us. I was laughing so hard that my eyes were watering. Flex commented that his Bonertude was going down to a 1.5, and then later a 1, which just made me laugh harder. Good times. After I finally regained my composure, I was able to get both slices on my teeth. Then I attempted to fit his penis in my mouth without knocking the mango slices off. This took a few tries to successfully maneuver. But once we figured out the logistics, Flex really enjoyed it. He said that it felt a lot tighter. Aside from the lack of space, it made giving the bj easier too (no need to worry about nicking him with my teeth).

We Tested All of Cosmo's Insane Food-Focused Sex Tips

We Tested All of Cosmo's Insane Food-Focused Sex Tips

Her Rating — 3
His Rating — 3
Bonertude — Started at 2, went down to 1, then up to 4 once we were successful
Mess Level — 1.5
Pain Level — 0
Would we do it again? Yes, but I would use smaller/thinner slices, and we wouldn't go out of our way to buy mango specifically for sex. Or maybe just buy the damn things from the sex shop, but they probably don't taste as good as fresh mango.

Research Notes, Part 3: Flipping the Script

To be fair, we also had him go down on me, using a mango slice in his mouth. Since it had been in the fridge, it was pretty cold. I think it was a good alternative to using ice cubes in the mouth. Cool and smooth, the mango felt refreshing. Once it warmed up though, I couldn't tell the difference between the mango and his tongue.

Her Rating — 2.5
His Rating — 3
Mess Level — 1
Pain Level — 0
Would we do it again? Sure. I would do this if we had mango slices on hand, but I wouldn't go out and buy mangoes for this purpose. It was definitely a better cold sensation than ice cubes though. I hope I don't get a weird infection, but seeing as how I've had a zucchini and Popsicle in there before (not at the same time, sheesh), I think I'll be okay (I'm starting to think I could get a LOT more articles out of Nymphodora and Flex, here).

The Infamous Doughnut Experiment

The Original Tip

"Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off."

Research Notes

I got Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnuts, because I thought the hole would be bigger than normal doughnuts. Even with the Krispy Kremes, I knew that we would have to start with a soft penis in order to get it through the hole. Penis started at a 1, and the doughnut started to rip before I even got it over the head. Flex had to pull his penis through while I held the doughnut steady. Finally we got it past the head, but that's as far as we could go since he was starting to get harder (he's a really horny guy- even doughnut application gets him going). I proceeded to try to get him hard by sucking on his head. It was quite tasty since it was covered in glaze. This didn't last long because as soon as his Bonertude was around a 2, the doughnut ripped in half (If I ever again feel like the universe is a bleak and dismal place, all I have to do is remind myself that once during my life, someone volunteered to Hulk Smash through a donut with his boner for me just for the sake of an absurd internet article. I'm pretty sure I can die happy, knowing that). Unfortunately I didn't get any pics, since we ate the doughnut. I put half on his penis as it laid on his stomach, and ate it off, trying to finish the Cosmo tip. Flex just ate the other half normally.

Her Rating — 2
His Rating — 2
Bonertude — Went from 1 to 2 before doughnut fell off. Got to a 4 during clean up.
Mess Level — 2
Pain Level — 0
Would we do it again? Yes. The box of doughnuts that I bought came with two, so we are going to try again tomorrow, except next time we will cut a larger hole in the doughnut (Since I never received word on further experiments, I have to assume they forgot about this). I'm not sure that we would buy doughnuts specifically to do this again, though. Flex suggested that cinnamon roll or toaster strudel icing would work better than an doughnut, since you'd get the sweet taste without crumbs. Though I think Flex is in favor of any bj-related tips, and will vote to try them again, no matter how ridiculous. I think Cosmo might be on to something — men just like blow jobs, and these tips increase bj action, so men will like them. Cosmo might be employing geniuses. Or I have an extra-horny fiancée.

Sour Belt BDSM

The Original Tip

"While you're making out, use the belts to playfully whip each other's butts."

Research Notes

First off: IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE'S NIPPLE GETS WHIPPED.

Sour Belts, as far as I'm aware, aren't a thing where we live, so we had to improvise. We rubber-banded 6 Sour Punch Straws together to make one whip, and we made two whips total. The Sour Punch Straws are dense, so they made for pretty hefty whips. We started on the middle of the bed, kneeling and facing each other, whips in hand. The Cosmo tip said to make out and whip each other so that's what we did. But the whipping quickly escalated from playful to strong whips. Which was fine while we were spanking each other on the ass, but stopped being fine when my nipple got whipped at full speed. Maybe it's because I got them pierced 9 months ago, but it freaking hurt (Or possibly it hurt because you just got sideswiped by a confectionery Cat'o'nine tails. Could also be that). As I'm writing this, Flex insists that some girls would like it, but he did apologize (he didn't mean to hit me that hard, I don't think). My nipple was sore for a few minutes, and we switched over to playfully dragging the whips over each other's bodies. Well, I did get a few hard whips in on his inner thigh as payback. He thought I was going to whip his balls, ha. Licking the sour sugar crystals off of each other was the best part. Naturally lots of sugar crystals ended up on his penis. He also said it made my pussy taste amazing.

We Tested All of Cosmo's Insane Food-Focused Sex Tips

Her Rating — 2, because my nipple hurt. If I didn't get nipple whipped, I would give it a 4.
His Rating — 4.5
Bonertude — started at a 1 and went up to a 3 during the sugar clean up
Mess Level — 4. We put a sheet over the bed to catch the sugar crystals. The damn things got everywhere, and we had to rinse off afterward, but the sheet did a good job of containing the mess.
Pain Level — 4 when I suffered nipple whiplash. 1 the rest of the time (but in a good way).
Would we do it again? Yes. Flex liked it a lot. I will do it again as long as he promises to be gentle with my nipples (This is pretty much how I feel about any experience throughout my entire life, btw). The Sour Punch Straws make for serious whips, so be careful when trying this at home. I think that using one Sour Belt (if we could find it) would be much safer, but not anywhere near as hardcore.

Warheads: The Sexplosioning

The Original Tip

"Blindfold your guy or send him into another room. Suck on the sour candy for a few seconds before running it over five unexpected hot spots on your body—like behind your knees, on your left nipple, near your collarbone. Then he has to use his sense of taste to find those areas. If he gets all five right, pass him a Warhead and ask him to challenge you."

Research Notes

We started with Flex blindfolded while I put a black cherry Warhead in my mouth. I rubbed it in five areas on my body that he would have to find — on my labia majora ("pussy" from here on out) (I love that she took the "scientific" aspect of this seriously enough to make even an attempt at using clinical terminology), breast, neck, and both earlobes. What's interesting is that to keep the warhead wet enough to leave residue on the skin you have to keep putting it in your mouth (I had to re-wet it like 3 times while I was applying the Warhead to my pussy, since I wanted a lot of residue down there for Flex to find). As you might expect, it feels sticky when you put it on your skin. Also interesting is that black cherry isn't as sour as I remember warheads being. Flex found all of the five Warhead areas pretty quickly, and it was actually pretty sexy to have him exploring me with his mouth. Though if you are ticklish like I am, putting it on your neck is a bad idea.

Since he found all the areas, it was my turn to be blindfolded next. He used a watermelon Warhead, which I think is more sour than the black cherry. I could actually taste the sour on his nipples, which was the first place he applied it. Naturally his penis and balls were the fourth and fifth spots, and he was quite liberal with the application so I had a lot of licking to do. Surprisingly I could still taste a hint of sour (his five spots were mouth, both nipples, penis, and balls).

Next, we tried me going down on him with a warhead in my mouth (Full disclosure: I came up with this idea for them, saying at the time: "Either I've just come up with the best idea ever, or the worst." I wasn't wrong). I picked sour apple this time, and it tasted more like the Warheads of my youth. My mouth was actually puckering. We had discussed the potential of burning, but we both thought that it would be fine, since we didn't have any issues with rubbing it on our bodies. Well, we were wrong. As soon as I put his penis in my mouth, he said he could feel the burn (and not in a good way). So we stopped there. I gave him the Warhead and he went down on me with it, but I couldn't feel anything. I think all the sour residue was sucked off at this point, and that's why it didn't burn. The Warhead in the mouth is solely for the pleasure of the giver, to give them some flavor. But maybe just use a regular hard candy, or wait until the sour residue is gone.

Her Rating — 4
His Rating — 4
Bonertude — Full disclosure: I was kind of drunk, so I forgot to pay close attention during the experiment. Probably a 3 while we were licking Warhead stickiness off of each other.
Mess Level — 1
Pain Level — 0 during Cosmo's recommended tip, 2 during the ill-fated bj attempt (Again, I am so, so sorry)
Would we do it again? Yes. This is the first Cosmo tip that we would actually go out of our way to do again. It was fun foreplay, and enjoyable for both of us. I liked that it made us slow down and explore each other (something you don't necessarily do as much as you should after three years). It was also the first Cosmo tip that worked better the way they wrote it. Don't modify this one, folks! We talked about using a regular hard candy in place of the warhead, but I think the Warhead actually makes more sense. The sour residue makes it easier to find on your partner's body. If you're not big on sour stuff, black cherry is the one for you.

The Beer Facial

The Original Tip

"Give him a beer facial - the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity... but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face."

Research Notes

(OK, before we get to this, I need to cop to the fact that I fully expected this experiment to basically wind up like this:


We Tested All of Cosmo's Insane Food-Focused Sex Tips

So...yeah)

For some reason I had this in my head as pouring beer on his face and licking it off, but when I went back and actually read the tip, it's not really clear. This one doesn't actually seem like a sex tip to me...more like you're trying to give your partner a facial, but because he's a MANLY MAN (who presumably also likes BOOBS and MONSTER TRUCKS and LATENT HOMOEROTICISM) you have to trick him into it and make it sound sexy. Which was going to be a bit of a challenge, since I don't like beer and there's no way he'd believe that "[my] lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face." Flex was a bit skeptical at first, but I won him over when I said I would give his penis the beer treatment if he cooperated. He's an easy sell. Since the directions were unclear, we started by pouring the beer on Flex's face. That didn't work very well, since the beer kind of got everywhere (fortunately we were prepared and he was sitting on the edge of the tub, covered in a towel). He didn't like the sensation of cold beer getting poured on him, so we tried pouring it in my hands so I could rub it on his face. I massaged the beer into his face and he liked it a lot. He said the carbonation felt nice fizzing on his skin, and the beer made for a good massage oil. Apparently I don't give him enough face massages. I did not lick his face to clean up the beer, because that's gross (I just want it noted that the couple who cheerfully followed every other one of these fucking insane tips to the letter balked at this one because it was just too goddamn weird and unsexy. Way to go, Cosmo). We weren't sure how long to leave the beer on his skin, so he ended up rinsing his face. I can't tell if his skin elasticity improved, like Cosmo promised.

Next I did the beer treatment on his penis. Instead of pouring cold beer on his penis, I put some in my mouth and tried to suck his dick. I made it like ten seconds before I decided to spit out the beer. He couldn't feel anything different. If I liked the taste of beer this idea would have potential, but I don't. Later he went down on me with beer in his mouth, and he liked it. I couldn't feel a difference though.

Her Rating — 3. It was nice making him happy by giving him a massage. I'd rather be on the receiving end of a massage, but I can't be too selfish.
His Rating — 4. But I think this has to do more with him receiving a massage. He would enjoy a face massage with me using any liquid as a massage oil. It was not a sexual experience in the least. The sexual rating was a 0, or N/A. This isn't a freaking sex tip.
Bonertude — 1. No improvement during the facial. Improved to a 1.5 after the 10 second bj.
Mess Level — 2, because we were prepared. If you tried this in bed it would be like a 4.
Pain Level — 0
Would we do it again? Yes, but only the massage part of it. Again, this isn't a sex tip, but it apparently feels pretty good if you separate the "sex" part from it.

The Spray Bottle Occurrence

The Original Tip

"Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples."

Research Notes

I started off with this one by surprising him with a spritz on his nipple as soon as I got into bed. Fortunately he already knew about the spray bottle tip, so he wasn't pissed at me for spraying him with cold water out of nowhere. But it didn't turn him on so much as spur him to grab the bottle and get a couple of retaliation sprays in on my nipples. Not sexy (I mean, let's be fair, Nymphodora, I'm not sure what you were expecting). So I looked at the tip again, and saw that Cosmo says to use, "a strategic spritz to EXTEND the encounter" (emphasis added). Which makes me think that they are suggesting this to use on men who have problems with premature ejaculation (why didn't I read about this tip when I was with my ex-husband??) (GONNA NEED SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN). Flex and I discussed the idea, and he said that he doubted it would dissuade him if he was about to cum. But we agreed to try it in the heat of the moment. We got down to business, and when he was getting close, I sprayed him three times on the nipple. It didn't stop the orgasm, but I might have waited too long to start spraying. I have my doubts that it would work at all, but back when I was with my ex-husband I would have tried anything to get him to last longer than a minute. So I would have kept trying to time the spritz correctly, disguising it as a sex tip. Thankfully I don't have this problem with Flex, so we'll never be trying this again. The only reason you should use a spray bottle during sex is if you have a really inquisitive pet who won't stop nosing your ass. I could see the spray bottle coming in handy in that situation.

Her Rating — 1
His Rating — 1
Bonertude — 1 for the initial spritz. 5 for the orgasm spritz, but that didn't have anything to do with the ice spray.
Mess Level — 0
Pain Level — 0
Would we do it again? No. There is nothing sexy about this. The only way I'd do it again is if I had a partner with a premature ejaculation problem and I was really desperate.

The Hot Tamale Spray Happening

The Original Tip

"Use the spray version of this red-hot cinnamon candy to graffiti each other's bodies. See which one of you can come up with the naughtiest image or dirtiest phrase. And yeah, you should take turns licking it off."

Research Notes

Me: We're going to do the Hot Tamales this week.
Flex: Do you like Hot Tamales?
Me: Yes.
Flex: Well, at least that makes one of us.

He then suggested that this would be better with Mike and Ikes.

Problem number one was that Hot Tamale Spray isn't, as far as I can tell, a thing where we live (I'm pretty sure it isn't a thing anywhere. Has ANYONE heard of this shit before? Are we sure Cosmo writers didn't invent it out of desperation?). So we had to improvise using regular Hot Tamales. I put the HT's in my dry vita mix container, since that seems like what the chefs on Chopped always do before making a candy sauce. When I opened the blender there was a smoky cinnamon haze that smelled really strong, but in an appealing way. I put the powder in a sauce pan and added water, stirring over medium heat. The goal was to melt the small chunks. After 10 minutes of stirring, the chunks are still there, and that's the end of my Chopped ambitions. Flex had to physically remove the larger chunks from the sauce (I want to once again applaud Nymphodora and Flex's commitment to the cause here, even if it is a FANTASTICALLY stupid cause and I should be ashamed of myself.

...I'm not, though).

We Tested All of Cosmo's Insane Food-Focused Sex Tips

We put a beach towel on the bed to try to keep any messes contained. Before we even got started Flex offered to stick his penis in it (This sentence actually explains a lot about why the two of them agreed to this experiment so readily). I asked if he was worried about it burning, but he said that I would just have to work harder to suck it out if that was the case. We used a paint brush to draw the dirty pics on each other. I drew a penis on Flex's stomach, and he drew the shocker and a penis on my ass. The sauce was very sticky and surprisingly not spicy or hot. Actual quote from me: "it tastes vaguely cinnamon-y." I think the water I added diluted it down quite a bit. Flex did dip the head of his penis in the sauce, and I licked it off. It did not burn.

We Tested All of Cosmo's Insane Food-Focused Sex Tips

Her Rating — 2.
His Rating — 2. Not the worst thing to do, but kind of boring. At least we didn't end up in the ER?
Bonertude — Started at a 1 and hardened a little to a 2. Nothing to write home about.
Mess Level — 3. Potential for mess is a 5. If you spilled the sauce it would be a disaster.
Pain Level — 0
Would we do it again? No, actually. It's not exciting enough, but the real problem is its potentially way too messy. The cleanup if the sauce spilled would NOT be worth it.

There you have it, folks. Cosmo comes up with lunatic sex tips, I make jokes about those lunatic sex tips, someone volunteers to test those lunatic sex tips for no good reason other than "seems like it would be funny." God bless America.

Lead Image via woaiss/Shutterstock.