A Russian Milk Company is Crossing Out Barcodes Because of the Devil

A Russian dairy company that has been inexplicably crossing out its barcodes for five years has finally revealed why: to ward off the Antichrist. Seriously.

Russkoe Moloko, the merry band of complete fucking lunatics company in question, had the following to say in a press release:

"It is well-known that the bar code on products is a mark of the Beast. It contains three invisible sixes (666), the name of the Antichrist which is hidden in the Scriptures...By crossing our barcode we want to show our position — we are with our Lord Jesus Christ, not the Antichrist and his servants. It's not superstition."

OK, this might seem inexplicable without a Rosetta Stone to the language of Fucking Crazy — luckily for you, I am that stone. So, because of the way bar codes are set up, there are three lines, slightly longer than than any of those around them, which, according to Russkoe Moloko (and according to no one who lives on Planet Earth) represent 6's (under the logic that they kind-of-sort-of resemble the code line for "6" if you squint/have been recently concussed). Three of them mean 6-6-6, as in the mark of the beast. I'm deliberately not capitalizing that last word, because that's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard and I'm not going to lend it the credence of treating it like a proper noun. I can't even respond to "it's not superstition" without laughing so hard my eyes bleed.

I don't even need to write a joke here. Some of you are probably thinking I've been conned by a pretty convincing satire piece, but I spent a surprising amount of time verifying that this crazy bullshit was actually real. That's not a satire site — there apparently is a website devoted entirely to dairy-related news. If that's not enough for you, here's another link. And another one.

Just when you think Russia can't get any more patently absurd, they find new ways to live in the 16th century.*

*Nope! Not letting that one go, Russia. You're never living this shit down.