What...what are you even going for here, McDonald’s? Why is any of this happening? Why are you doing this to us?!

McDonald’s recently released a promo featuring the new and...well...just look at it:

If you didn’t watch the video, I hate you, watch the video. It’s 30 seconds long; what kind of ADD-riddled bonobo are you? Fine. So far as it can even be explained, it features Hamburglar 2.0 (“Robble robble, America! Haha!”*) trying to tell us...something. It’s never clearly explained what, because the burglar of hams is repeatedly interrupted by phone calls from his wife asking him to pick up party supplies. I swear to God that’s not a joke, that is the actual commercial.

Look, McDonald’s, I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through right now. You’re clearly working through some stuff, and whatever...this is, it’s your coping mechanism. But I have to think putting your new hipster Hamburglar in front of a green screen and giving him some sort of weird backstory as a suburban dad is not accomplishing whatever it is you’re setting out to do.** Unless your goal is to utterly baffle every human being watching it, in which case, yes, you are absolutely succeeding.

Here’s the sad thing: not only is there an ad agency that got paid for this, but I guarantee you they’re high-fiving right now that people are paying attention to their nonsensical waste of 30 seconds. Advertising people are that one kid in elementary school who takes a dump in the hamster tank and then beams like mad over the fact that everyone suddenly has to pay attention to them.

* Unspoken subtext: “PLEASE KILL ME, MY EXISTENCE IS PAIN.”

* We’re accepting entries for how the sentence “this is why I’m back, 100% real—” was going to end, though. My money is on “squirrel urethras.”