Still-Smoldering Immolation Victim Heads to Taco Bell, Asks For Water

A still-smoldering man walked into a Phoenix, Arizona Taco Bell and asked for a cup of water. This isn’t a punchline, that’s a thing that actually happened on Thursday night. In other news, it’s apparently Taco Bell day here at Kitchenette.

The unidentified man, who suffered second- and third-degree burns on 90% of his body, had been entirely engulfed in flames in the Taco Bell parking lot when the manager of an Arby’s next door rushed out and sprayed him with a fire extinguisher, as one does. There’s no word on why he was on fire, and he apparently was not running around screaming, but simply standing there amidst the inferno. He was mostly naked when sprayed with the fire extinguisher; his burning clothes were sitting in a pile on the ground next to him, which raises even more questions.

After being extinguished, the literally smoking man walked into Taco Bell and calmly asked for a drink. The restaurant became so smoky from what was coming off him that they actually had to evacuate. See? This is why they discontinued the Volcano Taco.

Normally this is where I’d put jokes, but I’m just sitting here blinking at this story. There are so many questions for which I’d love answers and none are yet forthcoming. Rest assured I’ll be keeping an eye on this one and will update as necessary.