Krispy Kreme Sold a Gilded $1700 Donut

It had been a while since we’d encountered a company selling something ridiculous for stupidly absurd prices. Luckily, Krispy Kreme have ensured that drought is over.

The monstrosity you see before you was worth £1,000 ($1685 American) and appeared at Selfridges, a department store in London, during National Donut Week. Apparently, it took three days to construct, because that’s a totally reasonable amount of time for a damn donut. It includes a Dom Perignon vintage 2002 Champagne jelly with raspberry and Chateau d’Yquem creme (there are vintage Champagne jellies now? WAT), 24-karat edible gold leaf (what the fuck is it with all the edible gold lately — are consumers really clamoring to recreate Fort Knox in their toilets?), a 23-carat gold-dusted Belgian white chocolate lotus flower (OH COME ON), it’s served over a cocktail of 500-year-old Courvoisier de L’Esprit Cognac (I don’t care what the hell it is, if it’s 500 years old, I’m not putting it in my mouth) and Dom Perignon (one iteration of the shit wasn’t enough, apparently), and it also contains edible diamonds edible diamonds, so there’s a lot of — wait, hold on.

Edible diamonds? When did those become a fucking thing? Who the hell invented them? What was the creative process like on those? “Hey, I know this is one of the Earth’s more precious gemstones, but I really want to find a way to shove it down my throat hole without it savaging my GI tract. How do we make that happen?” I have SO many questions.

This whole thing, just…WAT. Come the fuck on, Krispy Kreme. It’s one thing when fancy places do goofy shit like this — it’s still laughable and disgustingly opulent, but at least you can kind of understand it since they’re upscale joints. It’s something completely different when freaking Krispy Kreme tries to go upmarket. I mean…do I even need to make a joke here? Krispy Kreme’s entire purpose is that their donuts serve as a more socially-acceptable alternative to meth in rural markets.

I’m well aware it’s a gimmick ploy designed to get media attention, and that by writing this, I am giving it media attention. My considered response: pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt. If Krispy Kreme and companies like them want to keep doing this stupid, ridiculous shit, we get to keeping making fun of them for it, because this trend is beyond silly.