Today, for the first time on Foods That Should Not Exist, we saddle up our Dothraki steeds and take a trip to Westerosi Flavortown. While imaginary foods are a new frontier for Kitchenette, we feel the egregious food crimes from every one of the Seven Kingdoms* are just too much to bear.

Let's do this.

Wedding Cake — How to Bake a Westerosi Wedding Cake:

  1. Pour flour, milk, eggs, sugar, butter, baking powder into giant mixing bowl. Stir until consistent.
  2. Bake mixture into elaborate wedding cake. If in the Riverlands, use red icing/hide behind something large and heavy. If in King's Landing, add pigeons and continue to step 3.
  3. No, seriously, add pigeons. More pigeons. ALL THE PIGEONS.
  4. Hand a giant sword to a sociopathic monster with a proclivity towards animal cruelty.
  5. Get ready for hate mail from the Westerosi chapter of PETA.

Lemon Cakes — Lady Olenna is just SO tired of your goddamn lemon cakes, King's Landing. Don't you have any other desserts? Stop boring the Queen of Thorns. Don't make her cut(ting remark) a fool. Fucking lemon cakes are the Bon Jovi of dessert pastries.

Every Fucking Chicken in This Room — Worth dying for. Well, worth someone dying for.

Stallion Heart — Ugh, the Dothraki are so insufferable with their elaborate facial hair and skinny jeans. We get it, guys, you were eating Stallion Hearts before it was cool. Now that Dany did it, you'll have to find a way to rebrand it as some artisanal, cruelty-free, other-buzzworded bullshit. You just KNOW they advertise Stallion Hearts as gluten-free across the Dothraki Sea, too.

God, the Dothraki are such food hipsters.

Pork Sausage — I'm not a monster!

Lamprey Pie — Oh, come on! Who the hell would choose to eat a food that LITERALLY sucks? I don't want my entree to taste me back. No one could possibly want to eat lamprey. That would just be cra — wait, what?

...we're fucking weird sometimes, humanity.

People — When you're a Thenn, you're a Thenn all the way, from your first taste of flesh to your last tooth decay! When you're a Thenn, let them do what they can, you've got parents to eat, you're a family man!

Rabbit Stew — Man, this stuff. What do you think Arya and the Hound were eating in the weeks before that they attacked sewage runoff with that kind of gusto? Assorted Twig Medley? Toad Compote? Dead Pigeon and Brackish Hair Soup? Probably best not to ask if they then turned around and went after a bowl of liquid snot with that level of vigor.

Purple Wedding Wine — Kidding! This is the greatest drink ever conceived by man. They should serve this at all Lannister weddings.

This image was lost some time after publication.

*Dear anyone about to point out that there are not foods from all Seven Kingdoms in this post: stop talking, go outside, and try to talk to another human being, no matter how terrifying the prospect may seem. Seriously, for the love of God, just don't with this.


Special thanks to Rebecca Rose, Dodai Stewart, and Smithwellette for their help with this post. For more Foods That Should Not Exist, click here, here, here, here, and here.