Because you haven't had enough things to be paranoid about lately, let's talk about the elderly Illinois man who hid sewing needles in packaged meat at his local grocery store.
Ronald Avers, 68, of Belleville, Illinois apparently spent over a year hiding sewing needles in packaged meat at his local Shop 'N Save. He confessed quickly when the FBI questioned him — not surprising, since they'd set up a sting and caught him at the grocery store itself. After first explaining that the open package of sewing needles in his car was to help him repair tears in his pants when he goes camping, he didn't take long to admit that he'd been creating steak pincushions. His explanation as to why the hell he'd want to do something like that was, and I'm quoting here, "just for the hell of it." To make your mental image of this whole thing even more bizarre, Avers apparently rides a motorized scooter and carries a portable oxygen tank.
Avers claims he "didn't want to hurt nobody," which is kind of a ballsy assertion considering he was hiding sharp objects in food people were going to eat. Six customers reported finding the needles over the past 14 months. One said she found it in her mouth (that must've been fun), and another said they got one stuck in their hand.
Shop N' Save doesn't get off scott-free here, either. Fearing for a loss of business and bad press (though they obviously wouldn't admit it), the chain waited months to report what was happening to law enforcement. So the only real good guys here appear to be the FBI, and I'm kind of staggered that I actually got to type that sentence.
I'm going to go sit in a corner with my arms around my legs rocking slowly back and forth now.
Image via fotosav/Shutterstock.