Typically, if a place advertises itself as the “Home of Throwed Rolls,” you should expect there will be some roll-throwing happening on the premises. Unless you are a particular extremely stupid Missouri man woman, in which case you apparently seek tens of thousands of dollars in restitution.

Lambert’s Cafe is a restaurant chain whose entire shtick is the joy they take in lofting freshly-baked bread skyward. They are not shy about providing this information: they call themselves the “Home of Throwed Rolls,” the picture above is their actual logo—hell, their restaurant website url is www.throwedrolls.com. They’re really, really into hurling bread and would really like everyone to know about it, is what I’m trying to get across here.

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While that’s a weird thing for a restaurant to stake its name on (I can’t say I’ve ever thought “gee, this meal is great, but what it could really use is some airborne dough-based products”), one would think their constant insistence on the importance of baked projectiles as part of a balanced diet would clue everyone in that at some point during their patronage, they might get some bread thrown at them. Alas, for a Missouri man woman named Troy Tucker, comprehending this logic was a bridge too far.

Via RiverFrontTimes, after being hit in the face by a thrown* roll in September 2014, Tucker allegedly suffered “a lacerated cornea with a vitreous detachment and all head, neck, eyes and vision were severely damaged.” From bread. As redress for this grievous Assault With a Deadly Carbohydrate, Tucker is seeking $25,000 to pay for legal fees and medical bills incurred by the damage she has suffered. Damage which, I feel it is incumbent upon me to reiterate, was caused by bread.

The restaurant’s inherent verb conjugation difficulties aside, it’s hard to see a way they’re not logically in the right here. Legally might be another matter: the sad thing is, if Tucker hadn’t signed a disclaimer upon entering the restaurant, she might have a shot at winning this case. It’s possible, as RFT’s Johnny Fugitt points out, that a jury could rule that the “baseball rule” regarding foul balls and other flying objects (that by entering a baseball stadium, a person must assume some responsibility for awareness of their surroundings) could apply here, but that’s a level of common sense I don’t feel confident ascribing to a jury of average Americans. Only time will tell.

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Update 7:13pm: This story originally listed Troy Tucker as a man. As RFT has updated their piece to reflect, however, she is apparently a woman. This post has likewise been updated and we regret the error.

* “Thrown,” Missouri. THROWN. Jesus, could you at least try to occasionally make it difficult to find reasons to laugh at you?

Image via Lambert’s Cafe.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.