Artisanal Toast is Apparently a Fucking Thing Now

You've got to be shitting me. Artisanal Toast? "Artisanal" goddamn TOAST is a trend now. There's officially no reason to try to save our species. Let's just send the Earth crashing into the sun and be done with it.

Apparently, the trend of Artisanal motherfucking Toast, which started in San Francisco, is now catching on in cities like Detroit and Minneapolis, because the universe is a dark, uncaring place filled with loathing and misery. The proprietors of San Fran's* The Mill, which did not invent Artisanal asswrangling Toast but did help popularize it (in the same way that Fox News did not invent pseudo-journalism), claim that their toast menu has greatly expanded over the past year. Their toast menu. They have a toast menu. A menu specifically for toast.

The most rage-inducing part about Artisanal ferretbuggering Toast has to be the price: The Mill sells theirs for $4 a slice, and I think a blood vessel just popped in my brain. Apparently, there are places in LA and New York which sell pieces of toasted fucking bread with ricotta and jam on them for upwards of $7. Like you do for toast.

I'm almost out of swearwords at this point, and that's a state so rare for me as to be unprecedented. I've moved past anger into some calm sea beyond it. I think my brain just can't process the incomprehensible level of pretentiousness it takes for a place to sell Artisanal miseryshitting Toast, so it's shutting down in self-defense. I can't even get into the fact that "artisanal" is a bullshit buzzword that means absolutely nothing (unless you're a hipster douchebag, in which case it apparently is a synonym for "delicious"). I am mentally broken by Artisanal hategasming Toast.

This is a step too far, Hipsters. This is a step too goddamn far.

*I know you guys hate it when people call it San Fran. GOOD, THAT'S THE IDEA, YOU DESERVE IT FOR INFLICTING ARTISANAL WANKDOLPHINING TOAST ON THE REST OF US.

ETA: Yes, guys. I'm now aware that there was an NPR/This American Life/other media outlet story about the lady who invented Artisanal Toast, and that it was inspirational and uplifting and incredible and that it brings unicorns back to life and travels through time to go kill Hitler. You can stop linking me to it now, please.

Image via Joe Gough/Shutterstock.