For Christ’s sake, Hormel, at least pretend you’re not actively working to spread misery unto all corners of the Earth.

Via GrubStreet, Hormel has apparently decided that what the world really needs right now are Dried Spam Bites, which seems like an excellent name for a punk band and a horrifically terrible name for anything else. Despite the fact that they’ve given form to the most depraved nightmares culled from humanity’s collective unconscious, Hormel is still referring to Dried Spam Bites as a “game-changing product innovation,” because apparently they are unfamiliar with the concepts of both hyperbole and hubris. They’ll come in not just regular spam flavor, but also bacon and teriyaki, because Hormel’s product innovation team wasn’t content just to try to ruin regular beef jerky. The “treats” will cost $2.39 a bag (which is about $10 more than anyone should charge for bagged spam treats*) are currently being tested on the West coast, the Southeast, and—of course—Hawaii.

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Speaking of which, Hawaii both loves spam and puts pineapple on their pizza. Who hurt you, Hawaii.

* While you should have to pay someone precisely $7.61 to take a bag of spam treats off your hands and quickly get it to a biohazard containment center, there is no upper limit on how much you should have to pay them to eat said product. More importantly: why the hell would you want to do that to anyone, you monster?!

Image via Hormel.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.