“...it was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice—and that most irresistible of nightmares, the beast which even now drags at my soul, is Meatza.” —Joseph Conrad, Heart of Porkness*

The above image** comes to us courtesy of Pizza Hut/the darkest reaches of the human imagination. It’s now being sold in Australia, which makes sense, because that’s the one place on Earth where this thing could effectively disguise itself among the innumerable examples of local predatory fauna. It’s a pretty cunning plan, actually, since it already looks like a cross between a Dough-Ringed Bacon Octopus and a Melbourne Ham-Spider. It’s apparently the result of an unholy union between Pizza Hut and a company called Four’N Twenty, which is a popular supplier of both meat pies and weed-related puns in Oz.

Here’s what it looks like when it hasn’t been prettied up:

If any Australian readers would like to try this and report back, please feel free. Please note that this in no way renders Kitchenette or Gawker Media liable for any resulting medical bills.

* More or less.

** Actual gchat conversation the lead image caused to happen:

me: hey
can you do me a quick favor and screencap something for me so I don’t have to restart my computer?
Isha: sure!
me: that...thing
Isha: i take it back
i don’t want to look at that anymore

Image via Pizza Hut.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.