It takes a truly special human being to combine pretension and douchebro-ed-ness into something that, when you take a step back, starts to look like elaborate, brilliant performance art. Guy Fieri is that human, except that nothing he does is intended as satire.
As of Monday, we have the menu for Fieri's new Las Vegas restaurant, Guy Fieri's Vegas Kitchen and Bar, and we're going to mock damn near every single thing on it in excruciating detail.
You remember Guy Fieri, don't you? Of course you do. How could you forget him? He looks like the end result of a hedgehog having sex with Kevin Smith and he sounds like every unbelievably irritating "class clown" you had to put up with in middle school. Remember Teddy, the kid who used to lick things (lockers, gym floors, squirrels, etc.) to get a laugh? Guy Fieri is that guy, but with a better PR firm and increased access to hair care products. He's like the Swedish Chef's significantly less-adorable, drug-addicted brother who the Swedish Chef refuses to publicly acknowledge.
This menu comes courtesy of Eater Las Vegas, who have re-printed it in its entirety. You can click that link and read it unaccompanied by snarky commentary, but it's probably easier just to bang your face into your desk a few times. Luckily, Kitchenette is willing to delve into the sea of stupid for you, because that's just how committed we are to making fun of Guy Fieri.
Sashimi Won-Tacos $14
Everyone's fave 'cuz they're wicked tasty! Sashimi grade ahi & serious mango-jicama salsa are packed into wonton taco shells + drizzled with "wow-sabi" cream.
Well, we're certainly off to a rollicking start. "Wow-sabi?" Is that like Wasabi, but with added essence of douchebag? Also, what did I fucking say about using "+" instead of "and"? Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
The Ultimate Asian Chicken Wraps $13
Guy gives you three ways to devour. Chinese minced chicken, Southeast Asian spring rolls, Thai style skewers + a variety of skewers let you create your custom starter.
Three ways to devour: you can eat a thing, or also...uh...eat a thing? You may not have thought this one through, Guy Fieri. Also, there's a joke to be had with "Thai style skewers + a variety of skewers," but that just feels like low-hanging fruit at this point.
Guy-talian Fondue Dippers $13
Pepperoni-wrapped breadstick twists served alongside our smoky provolone + sausage cheese dip, topped with fresh tomato bruschetta.
Guy-talian. GUY-TALIAN. GUY-talian. Guy-TALIAN. If I say that a few more times while staring into a bathroom mirror at night, do you think Guy Fieri pops up behind me and threatens to prepare his Fondue Dippers? Because on balance, I'd rather have Bloody Mary.
Los Nachos Del Jefe $14
The boss don't mess around...crispy corn tortilla chips are topped with black beans, chorizo, cheddar + cotija cheeses, slivered red onions + jalapenos, built to make each nacho the perfect bite!
The "+" denotes how EXTRA FUCKING CHEESY IT IS. How else would you know? It's PLUS cheese! Additional cheese! See?! GUY FIERI CAN MATHS!
Righteous Rojo Rings $12
A little sweet, a little spicy, a whole lot of flavor! Guy's rojo dipping sauce takes these rings straight to the bank.
YEAH! Guy's rojo dipping sauce goes straight to the bank! And then Guy's rojo dipping sauce invests poorly in subprime mortgages, creating a financial meltdown that puts thousands of people out of their homes and turns Detroit into a post-apocalyptic wasteland! ROCKIN'!
Triple T Fries $14
Truffle, truffle + more truffle! Julienned cut fries tossed with black truffle & truffle infused gouda, served with a creamy white truffle dip. Proof that you can't have too much of a good thing.
Of course this menu would feature truffles somewhere, because "truffles" is how you shine the Douchebag Signal into the night sky in modern American restaurant culture. Although if you're getting these for $14, those aren't actual truffles, he's using white truffle oil. I would say he should be ashamed, but we all know by now that Guy Fieri has no concept of shame.
Vegas Fries $12
Order 'em in the city they were born! Sidewinder cut fries are tossed in spicy buffalo sauce, topped with blue cheese crumble + served with Guy's blue-sabi sauce.
- Buffalo sauce, source of origin: Buffalo, NY.
- Bleu cheese, source of origin: Somewhere in France (possibly Roquefort).
- Wasabi, source of origin: Japan.
- The unfathomably stupid idea to combine wasabi and bleu cheese, source of origin: One of Guy Fieri's other restaurants, probably Tex Wasabi's in California.
The only part of this that says "Las Vegas" to me is the part where eating them entails gambling with your digestive tract.
Greens & Chili Beans
Well, it rhymes. That's why those go together, apparently. Totally logical.
Southern Smothered Chili Bowl $11
Our low and slow cooking style gives Guy's dragon breath chili vast dimensions of flavor. It's topped with sweet cornbread, sour cream & scallions.
There could be ghost peppers, pig lips and cow's ears in this, but who knows? It's just some shit about dragons that's supposed to entice us to eat this fucking slop monstrosity. You're not goddamned Khaleesi, Guy Fieri (although please, for the love God, someone photoshop this). It's covered in sour cream, though, so at least the flavor of raccoon anus is kept to a minimum.
Chicken Wonton Takeout Salad $14
This one-of-a-kind-salad has everything but the kitchen sink. Crisp Napa tips tossed with mixed greens, mandarins toasted cashews & the usual suspects, finished with ginger vinaigrette + skewered chicken wontons.
Dammit, Guy Fieri, what have I told you about putting Benicio del Toro in my salad? He's WAY too gamey to be a salad meat! I thought we'd been over this. Also, I swear to God I read this as "Crisp Tapa nips," which would seem ridiculous, but this is a Guy Fieri menu, so really nothing should surprise me at this point. If there's a human being who could look at a plate of nipples and go, "TUBULARLY DELICIOUS!" that human is Guy Fieri.
Morgan's Gnarly Greek Salad $13
Guy's take on the Greek salad will send you on a tour of the Mediterranean with its bold flavors, hearts of romaine, fresh veggies, hummus, feta, Parmesan croutons + tangy lemon vinaigrette. Toga not included.
This is quite literally the most bland, American tour of Greece and Grecian cuisine that could possibly exist, and I include Carnival Cruises in that assessment. There aren't even any olives in this! Or crippling, ill-advised austerity measures! I call shenanigans.
The Guy-talian Deli Salad $16
We have built this salad in a crown of prosciutto-wrapped smoked provolone! Filled with crisp romaine lettuce, imported Italian meats & cheeses, pickled Italian veggies + tossed in a red wine vinaigrette.
With most chefs, I'd assume "crown" is just a weird, ill-advised metaphor, but with Guy Fieri, I think he actually intended his customers to wear this and declare themselves King of Saladopolis. All hail His Majesty, the Monarch of Mixed Greens! May his reign be meatiful and may he swim in dressings aplenty.
Brutha's Badass Caesar Salad $15
Chopped romaine lettuce, croutons, lots of Parmesan cheese + Guy's favorite Caesar dressing are loaded into a crisp, garlicy mega-crouton.
OK, this threw me, because my initial reaction was to think he was for some reason referring to the main character from Terry Pratchett's Small Gods, but I knew that couldn't be true, because that would imply that Guy Fieri has read a book. Fortunately, a friend explained to me that it's apparently slang for "brother" or "bro" or "complete doucheschooner." Good to know.
Big Bite Burgers
Welcome to burger nirvana. All of our richly marbled 100% USDA choice ground beef is smash-grilled! Your taste buds will thank you.
My taste buds will surely do something, but I'm fairly confident "thanking me" is not it. Also, I'm picturing Guy Fieri hitting a burger with a grill right now. You didn't read that backwards.
The Off-Da-Hook Original Smash Burger $16
This burger is money! Crunchy righteous rojo rings, ITOP + the kicker- Guy's bourbon brown sugar BBQ sauce is sandwiched between a toasted brioche bun. It'll leave you in a food coma!
When he tells you his food will put you into a coma, he's not speaking metaphorically. Seriously, make sure your medical alert bracelet has new batteries and is within easy reach.
The Mayor of Flavortown Burger $17
The meat blanket of seasoned pastrami sends this burger outta bounds. Swiss, caraway seed slaw, dill pickles, onion straws, Dijon mustard + an "awesome pretzel bun" finish off this bad boy.
Let's start with the fact that he only wrote "meat blanket" because he knew he'd get in trouble if he used "beef curtains." Also, I question whether this burger really is the duly elected representative of the residents of Flavortown. There were numerous voting irregularities in the recent Flavorlection, and that's not even getting into the problems with the butterfinger-fly ballots and the unresolved issue of hanging chards.
Congratulations: if you understood any of those references, you are old.
The Triple B Burger $16
Go big or go home! Kicked up with Creole blackened spice & topped with blue cheese, ancho bacon, ITOP + a generous smear of Guy's famous donkey sauce.
If you're curious, "ITOP" is apparently "lettuce, tomato, onions, and pickles," and no one has ever shown Guy Fieri what happens when you capitalize three of those letters while still leaving the fourth one lower-case. GUY FIERI HAS NO TIME FOR YOUR PROOFREADING — THERE ARE MORE WOMEN TO HARASS AND GAYS OF WHICH TO BE FRIGHTENED! RADICAL!
The Mac + Cheese Bacon Burger $17
The burger that crushed its competition in New York City's 2013 burger bash! Built with crispy applewood bacon, six-cheese mac, ITOP + more super-melty cheese between a garlicy toasted brioche bun.
In the original draft of this menu, "super-melty cheese" was shortened, with no explanation whatsoever, to "SMC." I'm really starting to feel like Guy Fieri is the world's most elaborate performance artist at this point. Have we ever seen him and Herman Cain in the same room? Because I'm convinced they're both Andy Kaufman in disguise.
Tatted-Up Turkey Burger $16
This burger is a work of art like Guy's tattoos. Smash-grilled with poblanos & pepper jack. Topped with gouda, ancho bacon, sweet pepper red onion jam, ITOP, donkey sauce + served on an "awesome pretzel" bun.
First: commas, Guy. They are your friends. Second, your tattoos are not a work of art. Nothing about you is a work of art, unless the Smithsonian built a Dickhead Museum when I wasn't looking, in which case you'd be the prime exhibit. Wait, unless...is there a burger tattoo artist in the back? Does he deal exclusively in tribal bands? Do you think he could do a mermaid on my turkey burger and make it dance?!
Ain't Nothing Butta Chicken Wing...
All our wings are trimmed into "lollipops" so they're super easy to eat, then we brine & roast each one before frying & tossing in one of our off-da-hook wing sauces.
No one says "ain't nothing but a chicken wing," Guy. No one. That doesn't even rhyme. It's "ain't no thing but a chicken wing." Christ, I'm whiter than a mayonnaise truck accident at the RNC, and even I know that. It shouldn't be physically possible for me to be more disappointed in you as a human being than I already am, but against all odds, every new thing you do is somehow worse than the last horrible thing. You're like Bizarro Jennifer Lawrence.
Fireball Whiskey Wings $14
These wings are certainly not for the faint of heart & should probably be illegal. Classic buffalo sauce + fireball whiskey meet to ignite a flavor explosion of epic proportions. Try Guy's blue-sabi sauce to put out the fire!
Saying that your food "should probably be illegal" is the first truthful thing you've said on this entire menu, although you're selling yourself short — there's no "should be" about it. Also, I'm pretty sure the only "explosion of epic proportions" you're going to be detonating is in your customers' colons.
Double Barrel BBQ Wings $14
Guy's signature bourbon brown sugar BBQ is bold & flavorful + we drench these wings in it!
If there's one thing I'm learning from this menu, it's that Guy Fieri's brain pretty much has three settings: smother, smear, and drench. I don't even want to think about what that implies about his sex life.
You're welcome for that mental image.
Parmageddon Wings $13
Our breaded chicken parmesan wings + apocalyptic marinara. They might not end the world, but they'll end your hunger!
"When the Fieri broke the Fourth Seal, I heard the voice of the winged creature say, 'Order me.' And I looked and beheld a Parmesan-covered horse; and he who sat on it had the name Death; and heartburn followed with him. And I beheld when the Fieri had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great indigestion; and the chicken became as sackcloth, and the marinara became as blood; and there was a great weeping of douchebros and gnashing of menus."
Old Skool Street Tacos
Love, peace & taco grease!
This quote is just sitting there on the menu, apropos of nothing. Oh, Guy Fieri. Never change.
Victor's Street Tacos $16
Street cart grilled chicken, onions & cilantro. We put zesty roasted-red salsa + guacamole on the side so you can make 'em on your own!
Just when I thought you couldn't get any lazier about your
lame Midwesternesque rest-stop cuisine TOTALLY RADTACULAR EATS, you make me construct my own taco? Clever way to outsource your food labor, Guy.
Carne Asada Street Tacos $16
Juicy, marinated skirt steak is the MVP of these tacos! Finished with onions, cilantro, generous sides of roasted red salsa + fresh pico de gallo.
How did we suddenly get into sports metaphors? Is this code? Oh my God, is Guy Fieri secretly a Russian operative?!
Lava Rock Shrimp Tacos $17
Crispy fried shrimp, cabbage, pickled red onions, cilantro + topped with pink chili mayo for an added kick!
The description of these doesn't sound gross enough on its own, so I have to assume he culls the shrimp from dumpsters out back of Vegas Red Lobsters and cabbage from last night's strip club buffet. Let's just go with that.
The Big Dipper Sandwich $17
The mack daddy of all roast beef sandwiches. House-smoked shaved prime-rib, pepper jack cheese, crispy onions + creamy horseradish on a toasted garlic torpedo roll. How can you resist?
Very easily, Guy. Very, very easily.
The Motley Que Sandwich $17
Straight from Guy's BBQ krew. Pulled pork smothered in Guy's bourbon brown BBQ sauce, citrus slaw, pickle chips, aged cheddar + onion straws…stacked on an "awesome pretzel" bun.
I know you think that word is pronounced a certain way, Guy, but you just titled a menu item "the Motley what sandwich." Also, when even Guy himself puts "awesome pretzel" in quotations, you know that neither one of those words has even the most tenuous connection to reality.
'67 Cajun Sandwich $16
This one packs a punch! It's crammed with blackened chicken, Andouille sausage, cheddar cheese, the creole trinity + Louisiana hot sauce.
'67? Is this another code? THE FOX IS IN THE HENHOUSE, THE FOX IS IN THE HENHOUSE, DO NOT ENGAGE, VICTOR CHARLIE.
Pic-a-Nik Sandwich $16
Not your av-er-age turkey sandwich. Swiss cheese + citrus-cranberry relish, chillin' on an "awesome pretzel" hoagie smeared with Guy's famous donkey sauce.
If the words "smeared with Guy's famous donkey sauce" don't insta-dry your lady parts/cause your balls to ascend into your man treehouse, there is something deeply wrong with you.
Guy's Cheesecake Challenge $12
A huge mountain of cheesecake topped with potato chips, pretzels + hot fudge.
Wait, you topped a cheesecake with potato chips and pretzels?! You are the reason we need a Geneva Convention for food, Guy Fieri. Your food crimes must be stopped.
S'mores Monte Cristo $10
Brioche, graham cracker butter, marshmallow & chocolate with chocolate + raspberry dipping sauces.
"Man, I love Monte Cristos, but they're way too healthy."
"Boss, I've got it: make one out of s'mores!"
"FUCK YES, DONNY! YOU'RE A GODDAMN CULINARY ALBERT EINBERG!"
"Uh, boss, my name is Steve."
"FUCK YOU, I'M GUY FIERI AND YOUR NAME IS DONNY IF I GODDAMN WELL SAY IT'S DONNY."
Triple Doublemint Pie $11
Mint chocolate chip ice cream with oreo cookie crust + hot fudge.
After reading "Triple Doublemint," I take it back. Guy Fieri definitely cannot maths.
Fried Ice cream Boulder Sundae $11
A build your own sundae brouhaha featuring a meringue wrapped fried ice cream + host of toppings."
This is how you know Guy Fieri just prematurely blew his descriptive load — he got in a brouhaha, but finished with an anemic "host of toppings." What toppings would those be, Guy? RIGHTEOUS ROCKIN' RAISINS! SURFIN' SAFARI SPRINKLES! WOW-SABI WHIPPED CREAM! Who are we kidding? He's just going to smear this with Donkey Sauce like everything else on the fucking menu.
Image via Getty. Special thanks to Kinja user Smithwellette for help in writing this post.