Terrible Chicago Bar Offering Free Beer When the Cardinals Homer Off the Cubs

A shitty Chicago bar is being shitty and trying to get shitty people to root for the shitty Cardinals with shitty free beer. Christ, and I’m not even a Cubs fan.

McNally’s on Chicago’s South Side, a Chicago bar that I can only assume has covered its walls in Scott Walker posters and inspirational quotes from leading members of the Third Reich, is offering patrons free beer every time the St. Louis Cardinals hit a home run off the Chicago Cubs—a perfectly likeable team with perfectly likeable players and a perfectly likeable enormous dork for a manager—in the teams’ currently ongoing NLDS series. For those unfamiliar with the reasoning here, Chicago’s South Side is typically the domain of White Sox fans; thus, it’s not surprising they’d shit on the crosstown Cubs. It’s still shocking, I know—the news that the White Sox have fans is sure to shake the very foundations of your understanding of the world. Regardless, that’s no excuse for encouraging anyone, ever, to root for the Cardinals. Some indecencies are always morally beyond the pale, and rooting for the Cardinals sits near the top of that list.

You are terrible and you should feel terrible, McNally’s. There is never any valid reason to root for the St. Louis Cardinals, ever, under any circumstances. If Martin Shkreli owned a baseball team rather than an eSports team, and that team played the Cardinals, anyone with a shred of decency would have to choose to root for Shkreli’s Rampant Sociopaths.*

Harsh, you say? Perhaps ludicrous and hyperbolic? The facts beg to differ. OK, yes, Martin Shkreli is a shameless font of unmitigated avarice who seems to hurt poor people for the joy of it. But…Cardinals fans. Do I have to remind you that these are the people who openly stanned for Darren Wilson? Do I have to link you to the @BestFansStLouis twitter feed?

I mean, yes, fuck Martin Shkreli, obviously. But fuck the Cardinals and their fans even more.**

* I’m assuming this is what Martin Shkreli would name his baseball team.

** By the way, this entire conceit originally had the Nazis as the subject instead of Martin Shkreli. Thanks, Ben Carson, for pre-emptively ruining my fucking jokes.