If that’s not a quintessentially American headline, I don’t know what is.

Via KRQE News 13, employees at an Albuquerque, New Mexico Dairy Queen are accused of beating a pregnant woman after she complained about her Blizzard. Apparently, Angelika Coakley-Vargas, who was three months pregnant at the time, ordered a Georgia Mud Slide Blizzard, and it was the wrong item. After sending her fiancee to get it fixed, after which it still was not satisfactory, Coakley-Vargas went in herself and asked them to remake the item. They refused, at which point Coakley-Vargas slid the cup across the counter in frustration, where it tipped over and made a mess.

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This is the last point in the story where anything even remotely resembles sanity, because as she was walking out the door, Coakley-Vargas allegedly heard the DQ employee, Takisha Archuleta, shout “you fucking bitch!” We know that Archuleta followed Coakley-Vargas outside, but here’s where their accounts differ. Archuleta claims she went to tell Coakley-Vargas she wouldn’t be welcome in the store in the future, and then Coakley-Vargas “put her in a headlock.”

The problem with this account is it’s contradicted by virtually all other eyewitness accounts, which claim that Archuleta ran outside and started wildly punching Coakley-Vargas, who tried to shout that she was pregnant, to no avail. A second employee also came outside, though accounts differ as to whether they were trying to restrain Archuleta or join in the beating (I tend to believe the former). After they were separated, Coakley-Vargas went to the hospital and the baby appears to be OK. Archuleta is now being issued a criminal summons for battery, and in the meantime, Coakley-Vargas has filed a lawsuit against Dairy Queen, the particular location, and its employees.

A PSA to all food service workers, from a former one of your own: yes, there are times when you will want to punch customers. Anyone who’s worked in food service and tells you they’ve never been tempted is a liar. Nevertheless, DO NOT DO THIS. EVER. I can’t believe I need to clarify this, but here we are.

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I don’t care how shitty they are. I don’t care if they yelled at you. I don’t care if they deliberately spilled something on the counter. I don’t care if they run your ass ragged, then leave two cents on a $400 check and make fun of you on the receipt. Yes, people who are shitty to food service employees (it’s unclear if Coakley-Vargas even fits into this group, it’s worth noting) are generally terrible and horrible people, and it’s OK to fantasize about punching them, because fuck them. Still, DON’T ACTUALLY PUNCH THEM.

Image via James R. Martin/Shutterstock.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.