This story is literally Old Man Yells At Plastic Toy. Strap in.

Bradley Merten of Seminole County, Florida bought his 4-year-old granddaughter a McDonald’s happy meal containing a minion toy. He was shocked and scandalized when, according to him, the talking toy swore, saying something that apparently sounds like “what the fuck.” No word on whether that’s simply the minion’s natural and eminently understandable reaction to finding out it’s been sent to Florida.

Advertisement

The funniest—and most hilariously inept—part of this whole story is that the news station can’t actually play the thing saying “fuck”; unlike, say, Gawker Media writers, they’re not allowed to drop 4-letter bombs. Despite this, however, WFTV still insists on making the minion talk and then bleeping it out. At one point, reporter Mario Boone, who I can only assume drinks to forget his day job, says “listen again” then plays us the smoking gun: a beeping noise. Ace laid down, good sir!

Apparently, after two days,* the WFTV producers couldn’t agree on whether it was swearing, so Boone contacted McDonald’s, which basically told him, “um, no, what are you on?” While I normally hate to agree with McDonald’s on anything, the fact that this dispute is between McDonald’s and Florida makes this the Kobayashi Maru of fast food news stories: in determining fault, it doesn’t matter what answer we pick, because we’re fucked regardless.

I give up.

* They spent multiple days working on this story. They spent multiple days working on this story.

Image via AP.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.