On April 20, Ben & Jerry's will release a new product in their scoop shops: the Brrr-ito,* which is exactly what it sounds like (waffle cone tortilla, fudge drizzle, cookie crumbs, along with two scoops of ice cream). Just one problem: it isn't very good.

You might be saying, "well, you don't know that! These things aren't out until April 20; you haven't tried one!" You'd have an excellent point...except for the fact that I have tried one. See, Ben & Jerry's flew a bunch of bloggers, myself included, up to Vermont a few weeks ago. Much merriment was had by all on the trip (seriously, you would not believe how crazy they are about quality beer in Vermont), and part of the experience included getting to try one of these things—as long as we promised not to write about it until the official announcement. Here are some terrible, low-quality photos from my phone in order to prove this to you:

So, yes, I can say pretty definitively that, for me at least, it's a concept that would sound incredible around the eighth bong hit, but that doesn't really hold up under the harsh light of sobriety.

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The issue here isn't with Ben & Jerry's particular construction of the ice cream burrito. As with everything they do, they manage the execution of a concept as well or better than any other dessert-makers out there. No, the issue with the Brrr-ito** is inherent to its very design. Think about it: how does one typically eat a burrito? You hold it and take bites, right? OK, so when you take a giant bite of ice cream rather than licking it off a cone or eating it off a spoon, what happens?

Yeah. Pain happens. Horrible, teeth-rattling pain, to be shortly followed by far more horrible skull-shuddering pain. Just lots and lots of pain. Ice cream is a wonderful thing, but ice cream is also a complete asshole sometimes.

You're probably going to mention that one takes bits out of ice cream sandwiches and those are generally acceptable (if not actually good), and that's a fair point. But from my own personal experience, most ice cream sandwiches generally aren't as cold as Ben & Jerry's ice cream (unsurprising, considering some ice cream sandwich brands don't actually melt normally since they're basically filled with edible spackle). Moreover, given the way this thing is constructed (with a couple of big-ass scoops just thrown on there), it's really hard to eat without getting a few massive bites of finest blast-chilled Vermont dairy product straight to your facehole.

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Maybe the horror of too much ice cream in one bite isn't a fear shared by everyone. I think I've seen people eating ice cream in great huge chomps before, although I'm pretty sure I've blocked out the specific memory since the sight of it made my teeth hurt. So if you're one of those hopelessly deranged human trash compactors who eats ice cream like fucking Pac Man, maybe you'll love this thing! The waffle cone tortilla is pretty inspired, at least. But for those of us who aren't Cookie Monster's lactose-addicted cousin, it falls short. And we haven't even talked about the melting issue, a far bigger problem here than in your garden-variety Chipwich due to the sheer amount of ice cream being ladled on; if you wait even 40-50 seconds too long to finish this thing, your ice cream burrito turns into a Half-Baked gazpacho Hot Pocket. Maybe you're into that sort of thing, but if so, I cannot even begin to comprehend your universe.

The fact that the Brrr-ito doesn't come together isn't really a knock on Ben & Jerry's; nobody bats 1.000. They're still great, and Cookie Cores are still my jam. I'll just be surprised if this thing doesn't make its way to the Flavor Graveyard*** sooner rather than later. Then again, I'm the person who struggles to eat Toblerones (why?! Why are they shaped like that?!), so maybe this is just me.

* Cringing.

** Still cringing.

*** This is a real thing. I have pictures.

Image via screengrab from YouTube.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com.